5 Small Victories of the Weekend

Every once in a while you get a weekend where things just go exactly according to plan. Or at least close to it. And this weekend thats what happened to me. It started when my boyfriend Justin came to pick me  up for a sleepover at his house. 

First Victory: I have developed an aversion to disturbing movies.

In the car, Justin had put on a video about the most disturbing movies, probably because he knew I used to be really into that in my teens. Sure, I was really familiar with the movies such as I Spit On Your Grave, Cannibal Holocaust, Guinea Pig Diaries and Men Behind the Sun. These movies deal with horrific themes such as rape and torture and in the case of Cannibal Holocaust, the actual slaughter of animals. As the video described them I felt myself feel physically sickened by these movies I casually watched at age fifteen. I think its a good thing I feel this way now. I think at one point in my life I was so numb I might have actually lost a bit of my humanity. Now that I’ve undergone trauma therapy and experienced so many more positive events these movies disgust me. I actually dry heaved in the car and then asked Justin to put on something else. I think he was a little green too.

Second Victory: I finally watched Reservoir Dogs in its entirety.

Yes, this movie was also slightly hard for me to watch for several reasons. First of all, Mr. Blond manages to capture and brutally torture a cop; cutting off an ear and then dousing him in gasoline, preparing to light him on fire. This was hard to see because my dad was an NYPD Inspector. I usually worried something would happen to him especially in such a time of civil unrest. I was squeezing poor Justin’s hand so hard at that point. But then at the last minute he is saved by Mr. Orange who was bleeding in the corner from a gunshot wound. Surprise! Mr. Orange is an undercover cop. Mr. Orange, played by the sexy Tim Roth, is the other reason the movie was hard for me. He looked alot like my former paramour Ryan. I had a brief fling with a guy from my college who was also training to be a police officer. Several months after my own suicide attempt, I learned Ryan had committed suicide. It came out of nowhere for me. I knew he would have been a good cop. Maybe he would have even gone undercover.

Third Victory: I made 2nd in the Rockland Poets slam

Competing in slams is made up of three components: there’s the writing of the poems, there’s the performing of the poems and then there’s the strategy of the poems; that is knowing which poem to perform when. I can write, I can perform, I’m a little clunky on strategy. And because I have so many poems (I’m constantly writing poems) there are so many to choose. And each group has it’s own rules. For example in the first round of a Rockland Poets slam you must use new material. You cannot have performed that poem before which I like because it plays to my advantage since I’m always writing new stuff. Anyway, I won second, losing by two points. I could have been bummed about it but I was really proud of how I performed. Justin got a look at a school presentation I did a while ago and he was really surprised by it. “You look so confident” That’s how I felt up on that stage. Confident.

Fourth Victory: Getting through the touch tunnel

For those of you who don’t know the touch tunnel is this place at the Liberty Science Center where you crawl through pitch blackness on your hands and knees only feeling with your right hand. Crossing both arms is a sign of distress that you need to be taken out (the employees are watching you on computer monitors). Anyway, I thought for a few minutes I would need to be taken out. My knees killed, especially the one I damaged when I fell down the stairs. I was breathing really fast, kind of hyperventilating. I should mention I’m not afraid of the dark, small enclosed spaces and I’m not claustrophobic. But in there I was very panicky. I think I was worried that all these younger kids (like ages 5 and 6) were going in and out no problem and I was having trouble. I found that very humiliating and I felt about ten times bigger. But I reasoned that if the parents of all those kids (who had to have worse knees than I did) could get through the tunnel than I definitely could. So I forced myself to keep going, knowing it wouldn’t go on forever, I had seen kids go in and then come out. Finally, I (literally) saw the light under the curtain.

Fifth Victory: Women who rock karaoke

I got killer pipes. At least they used to be great. My medication has damaged them. I get hoarse and sometimes if I belt like I used to it feels like vocal chords are bleeding. But yesterday was “women who rock” theme at open mic night so I signed up. Three of my best friends came to support me and another backed me up on guitar. Anyway I messed up. It was painful but I got through the two songs I  had signed up to do. It was still embarrassing but I figured if I hit the last note (which was tricky) I could end on a high note (pun not intended truly). So I poured all this energy into the last note and the applause and whistles were quite gratifying. That’s what I focused on for the rest of the night. I can do a lot in one weekend.