Date: 7/8/2019
Feeling: Brave
I’m riding off to battle yet again. The Prozac triggers mania so we lowered the Prozac but then the OCD got bad. It’s a cruel truth that antidepressants can trigger manila in bipolar patients. So the answer? Medication changes. I’m popping Ativan right and left. But mostly I’m trying to be brave. The OCD has been terrible. I check all the time. Tonight was hard. I had volleyball which I love and the OCD/ anxiety was chanting things the whole time like nobody liked me and that I sucked (the first not true, the second…well that’s debatable). When I got outside to Dad I was crying. Dad was disappointed but not surprised. Mom and Dad have even have to stay at the library while I work and the prospect of work scares me which makes me sad because I was so excited for that job. I get angry. I feel like my mental illness takes my pleasure and inability to enjoy life. Mom reminded me I had a few good months. Months? Why couldn’t I have years? People go through a lifetime without knowing pain like this. But Mom’s right. I can get well. I can exist as a well person. I need to stay strong here; I can’t crumple like I want. I can’t let anxiety dictate my life. I will play volleyball and go to work and live my life. Some people say that’s normal. I call it being brave.
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