Food Addiction

It is no secret that I have a problem with food. Last time I weighed myself I was 197. That’s three pounds off from 200 pounds for those who can’t do math. I never imagined I would ever weigh this much. I remember in eighth grade weighing 93 pounds, making myself vomit up strawberries so I wouldn’t gain any more weight. Since then I’ve swapped starving myself with binge eating. I remember one of my shifts at the library; I stopped into the break room where there were six donuts waiting for the staff (someone was always nice enough to bring treats in. It was my favorite job). I ate five of those donuts, prayed there wasn’t a camera and cried in shame. That was about six years ago and I don’t really think I’m any better. Today I got a book from the library “The Food Addiction Recovery Workbook” by Carolyn Coker Ross. I’m taking the “Self-Test for Food Addiction” 

1. How often do you find yourself consuming certain foods even though you are no longer hungry.

2. Fewer than four times a week

3. More than four times a week

Tough question because I am always hungry. But I feel like I should answer B because I do push my stomach to capacity,

2. How often do you worry you should cut down on eating certain foods?

1. Fewer than four times a week

2. More than four times a week

B a hundred times! I probably think about it more than four times a day. An hour! Well, maybe not an hour.

3. How often do you feel fatigued or sluggish from overeating?

1. Less than twice a week

2. More than twice a week

B. After meals I feel like a beached whale, unable to move, letting the waves just watch over it as people pause and take pictures and fuck, I just feel so fat!

4. How often do negative feelings about overeating interfere with important activities such as work, recreation, or spending time with family and friends?

1. Less than twice a week

2. More than twice a week

B. See, a social life (whether it be family celebrations or going out to dinner with friends) sometimes revolves around food. And that brings me to the question of how much to eat. And what. 

5. How often do you experience physical withdrawal symptoms like agitation and anxiety when you cut back on certain foods (excluding caffeinated beverages)

1. Less than twice a week

2. More than twice a week

I tend to get a little “food” obsessive. I ask my boyfriend is he hungry? Because if he’s hungry surely we must feed him. And I might have a nimble or two. Or when I’m with friends and someone asks what we want to do I’ll innocently “Dinner?” If someone else brings it up, score! The calories don’t count.

6. Does your behavior with respect to food and eating cause you significant distress? 

1. Less than twice a week

2. More than twice a week

Yes. I cry alot about it. More frustrated readers would tell me “Just stop eating already” Its so hard on these meds and I can’t go on injectables because of my other physical problems. I feel judged every single day. “There goes the fatty” I seriously doubt anyone thinks I’m beautiful anymore. And thats a sad thing to feel in your twenties.

7. How often do your issues related to food and eating decrease your ability to function effectively?

1. Less than twice a week

2. More than twice a week

Well, stairs are an issue. I get out of breath walking uphill. I’m 28 and my dad can walk at a brisker pace than I can. Its kind of demoralizing. 

In the past twelve months: 

8. Do you keep consuming the same types or amounts of food despite significant emotional or physical problems related to your eating.

1. Yes

2. No

Yes

9. Does eating the same amount of food fail to reduce emotions or increase pleasurable feeling the way it used to.

1. Yes

2. No

Yes. I barely taste food now. I’m trying to fill something up and I actually prefer smaller portions in restaurants because then I could taste the food. If you give me something I will try to eat all of it. Even if it’s for more than one person. I’m used to leaving restaurants with stomachaches. I’m so glad my mom doesn’t let me have seconds.

I’m going to use this book to explore the psychological need behind my overeating. I’m 197. I want to lose seven pounds by Cape Cod. I think I can. No, I will.