Good News!

When I was a kid, I felt different than anyone else to the point which I was probably unlikeable. It wasn’t until I was eleven that we figured I had several mental disorders and when we saw a child psychiatrist she confirmed it. I had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and panic disorder. I was put on Prozac (an SSRI0 and it seemed to be a wonder drug until another psychiatrist told me it had probably activated another lifelong illness: bipolar disorder. Living with both has been beyond difficult. But I have good news.

Right now it seems I have (mostly) conquered my OCD. And my Prozac is as low as it was. That means the medicine isn’t to thank. It’s me. After spending most of my life with this demon, I am starting to kick its ass. I’ve realized recently I have given in to my compulsions much less frequently. My compulsions (checking to make sure my journals are safe, the stove is off, my yarn  is in my bag, my boobs look big in a shirt) have suffered greatly like prisoners of war. Last week as I was leaving knitting I became worried I lost the pink skein which I got at a special yarn festival and was planning on doing a project with. I wanted to make sure I had it when I got in the car but I didn’t want to check. So I didn’t. For the whole week. And when my knitting instructor asked me to pull out my yarn yesterday I reached into the bag and found the yarn with ease. And no checking.

Here are some ways I have been able to fight my OCD or general anxiety so well:

• The power of “later”: when my OCD badgers me I retort with minimal attention “later”. Then “later” will present itself and I will tell it with another smirk “later”. As you might suspect, “later” never actually presents itself and the urge temporarily passes. This gets easier with time.

• Think of two other things you are uncertain of. This  is a weird one I manufactured. The root of OCD is doubt and uncertainty. Did I put my journal back in the fireproof box? When I have a worry like this one I will brainstorm two other worries. What if my parents found out I broke into the matzoh box? What if my family finds my book? If there is a clamoring it is actually easier to discount all three worries altogether.

• Exercise especially pushing yourself to the point of no return

• Color

• “So?” Imagine a catastrophe and break it down with the words “so?” or “and?”. “Everyone went to that party but me” “So?” “So everyone will think I’m a loser” “And?” “And no one’s going to talk to me again” As soon as you found a break in the logic dive in. “What about Melissa? She was just talking to you this morning”

• Various forms of CBT which you can usually practice in theraoy

I will continue to fight my anxiety but I will never forget that even though its just a wimpy little storm now, that doesn’t mean it can turn into that the interrupted my childhood. Because it could take everything.