Another potential wave of mania. This one sparked two serious drug tetrations (doubling my Depakote and eliminating my Prozac). That’s right they completely cut out my Prozac. I’ve been on Prozac since I was thirteen, SSRIs in general since I was eleven. My body doesn’t know what it is without it. In case you are wondering why they took away my Prozac, SSRIs (which is a class of drugs that Prozac is part of) can spark mania. I have two contradicting disorders: OCD and bipolar disorder and they have conflicting medications. I’m hoping one day my Prozac will be returned to its rightful owner. Until then my therapist warned me I may experience certain symptoms including headaches (popped two Tylenol a minute ago. The only pain medication I can take by the way).
Anyway, what I wanted to tell you today is something I have wrestled with a long time. The concept of ghosting. I’ve been ghosted pretty badly by romantic partners (before I had a boyfriend) and screamed many nights into a pillow vowing I would never do the same. Well, the jig is up. I’ve ghosted and I’ve done it alot. Mostly with men. Actually, almost all men. These men aren’t necessarily perverts or creeps (although I’ve ghosted them too). It is because of my bipolar disorder I do this. When I become manic, I lose my inhibitions. When I lose my inhibitions I sometimes a) say things I don’t mean b) say things I do mean too much. I say these to everyone. And that includes a) people who are not my boyfriend b) people who are other people’s boyfriends c) people who are otherwise inappropriate for me to say that to.
Eventually I come out of this evil spell that’s been cast over me. It’s time for damage control. How could I explain this? The things I have said looked like they were typed by an evil twin, Mr. Hyde. I am mortified. I am ashamed. It reminds me of my weakness, of my illness. I don’t even want to ever talk to these men again (even if they were once my friends or acquaintances). I want to pretend this never happened. I still do. So I ghost. I hurt people with my silence, with my lack of explanation. I probably have led men on or teased them. It was never my intention. I don’t want this person inside me any longer. But if I ghost hard enough maybe we can pretend she never existed at all.
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