A Feeling of Safety

In today’s world it is hard to hold on to a feeling of safety. War, crime, the threat of poverty and feuding politicians. There’s so much uncertainty. We have no idea what will happen tomorrow. It’s unsettling. 

We all lose our innate feeling of safety at some point. For me, it was when I was eight years old. I had a weird fixation on my gym teacher and was convinced he was in love with me. This was not reciprocated. In my journal I went on for pages about how I wanted to kill him so he wouldn’t steal me and marry me. These clumsy eight year attempts included “lock him in the equipment room because it’s cold in there” or “feed him poisonous cake”. I had a deepseated fear my mother would marry me off to him even though twenty years later I have no idea how I could have entertained such a ridiculous concept. And for those wondering, no he never touched me or did anything inappropriate. I’m not sure why I got fixated on this delusion but I did. And I didn’t feel safe in gym so I would pretend to be sick alot. I never told anyone. 

Even once I turned ten and realized I was being stupid I still didn’t feel safe. I felt exposed and embarrassed because my breasts were developing faster than anyone else’s and everyone was talking about it and commenting on it and in some cases drawing pornographic pictures on my stuff. I was humiliated. My body was betraying me and these boys would stare at me. I felt like I was an animal in a zoo. Some girls were also bitchy because their bodies were not developing as fast and they were jealous. And then I entered fifth grade and was diagnosed with OCD which entertained me with terrible thoughts like murder, rape, incest and boiling in the pits of hell.

Finally, the last vestige of safety broke when I was sexually assaulted in the high school auditorium by the son of a teacher’s aid. He was several years ahead of me. I realized if this could happen in someplace I felt so safe and happy it could happen anywhere. And that I wasn’t really safe at all. Maybe anywhere. But there are ways you can improve your feelings of safety and I’ve listed some below.

1. Talk to somebody. I was going through alot in middle school and several of my teachers did send me to the guidance counselor. However, I had this mistaken belief that confiding in someone, especially a professional, made you “weak” or “crazy” I wasn’t like that. I had my shit together. Funny because I spent most of middle school terrified and waiting for the other shoe to drop

2. Keep a journal. I’m not going to tell you what kind of journal but I will say you are only limited by your imagination. You could keep lists or letters. You could make collages. I strongly encourage you keep a gratitude journal. It helps you look on the bright side in times where things may otherwise seem bleak.

3. Destroy something. There are an increasing number of places that allow you to do axe throwing or similar activities. At the Renaissance Fair I got to throw ninja stars and that was incredibly cathartic. There are also places called Rage Rooms which are designed for the exact purpose of destroying things and fucking shit up. I will extend a word of caution: not all Rage Rooms are created equal. If you are beating glass and wood with a bat you’ll need at least a helmet and goggles. Do research. Safety is the topic of this blog entry after all.

4. Push your body. I enjoy pushing my body at the gym. A few weeks ago I was doing a 20 minute workout. Now I try for an  hour (although in this heat I’ve settled for 45 minutes because my medication makes  me sweat and I don’t want to get too dehydrated).. Your body not only releases endorphins but you’ll feel more in control. Taking a self defense class could also help you feel safer. I recommend it for most women.

5. Change your body’s temperature. If you are freaking out about the state of your life, the country, the globe jump in the shower. If it is a really bad freak out keep your clothes on. Yes its weird and uncomfortable and inconvenient because now you’ll have to find new clothes. It doesn’t matter. Take a cold shower. I did this the day of my suicide attempt. It didn’t work that day but it usually does. You might scream. I did. It’s like being drowned in a frigid river. Eventually it will wash that panic right out of you,

6. Push your mind. Cerebral activities like logic puzzles, chess or crosswords are a good diversion. There is no emotion in these activities just thinking. Its a good way to distract your brain. Not to mention building mastery (we know how much I love that).

7. Take a news break. For God’s sake, if the news is stressing you out take a break from it! If you still want to be up to date about what is going on, set aside a small chunk of time where you can take in news from some of your trusted sources. When the time is up, stop. And don’t dwell on it. If you’re in a conversation and the subject is current events, think strongly about if you want to be engaged in this conversation. Stay educated but don’t be obsessed.

8. Relinquish control through prayer. This one won’t be for everyone because not everybody prays but giving our fears and vulnerabilities up to God has really helped me when I’m at my most frightened (usually in the car or when I think I’ve pissed someone off). I hope there is a God. I have faith there is one but faith’s greatest enemy is doubt and unfortunately I am only human. I trust God will keep me safe and protect me. But why me and not so many others?

9. Do something for someone else. Pay it forward. Little good deeds make you feel like there is good in world at large….even if it is you doing the good deeds. But don’t be surprised to see a ripple effect.

10. Take up a new hobby. This is another aspect of building mastery. I just finished my second hat (this one is pink and has a ruffle!). I started in September. When I told some friends they were actually very surprised I picked it up so fast (I give all the credit to my knitting instructor, Arlene). Needles flashing, I listen to books on tape or music. I am enveloped in a world of my own. I am safe. 

I hope you are all coping with the uncertainty in our world. I know I am alternatively very calm and then my heart will start racing. Time to take some of my own advice.