A Timeline of Worries

Exercise from the No Worries Workbook

Past worries:

• Was I a bad person to (insert ex boyfriends name)?

The fact that this was even a worry baffles me. My ex was controlling and manipulative and worst of all he would practice various sex acts on me when I was passed out from medication. It’s been very hard to recover from all that- to fall asleep next to anybody else and not worry I’ll be violated.. I’m so glad I got out when I did.

• Did I deserve (Insert ex boyfriend’s name) angry texts?

I will say it here and I wish I knew it then: no one deserves to be abused. The thing I’m not sure my ex realized what he did was wrong. He came from a toxic abusive household, and I suspect he was molested as a child. Those who are abused usually go on to repeat the pattern.

• Is (insert close family member’s name) going to be okay?

During the pandemic I had two close family members become sick with cancer. Both were serious cases, so serious they pushed the pandemic to the back burner. It also meant I couldn’t go anywhere because I didn’t want to bring home the pandemic to the members of my family with a weakened immune system. I didn’t even get to go to the library. It was a scary and lonely time.

Present Worries:-  How can I control my eating?

I’m aware I’m eating too much and not the right things. When I’m out to dinner I treat it like calories don’t matter. If I’m hungry the calories don’t count. I’m just feeding my body after all. Short of putting padlocks on all the cabinets, I don’t know if I will ever stop eating.

• Will I get my provisional certificate as a peer specialist?

This January I took thirteen courses (passed them all), and I have three letters or recommendation that I need to send in to receive my provisional certificate so I can work at a peer run agency. At least my job will probably be volunteer. But after enough hours I can apply for another certificate and become more likely to get paid.

Here’s the good news. I don’t really have too many current worries. My OCD flares up regularly but I’m so busy I don’t really have room to entertain the same worries that have followed me since I was eleven. They try to keep up with me. They can’t.

Future Worries

• Will someone from my past hurt me?

I’ve always been afraid that someone from my past- either in person or online- will trick me down because they a) are still in love with me or b) mortally hate me. Or worse: both. I understand that sounds a little conceited but I have met enough crazies to know it could happen. It won’t happen. It’s been fifteen years since I started going on the internet and I don’t think anyone could track me down. At least that’s what I tell myself.

• Will Justin and I move in together?

Justin’s trying to move out of his parents house and then we can work on moving me in. We are both low on money but we talk about our dream house: a place for two dogs, two cats and a room made out of Legos and blankets I knitted. I heard it’s harder than ever for our generation to own a house but I’ve been forced to give up on enough dreams. Not this one.

• Will something bad happen?

I feel that my life has reached a sort of calm. I’m still battling the OCD, the bipolar seems under check and I have an amazing spring and summer ahead of me full of vacations and parties. I feel like this is a great time to be nuked or something. I love my life but I’m conscious of the world. Sometimes I worry I won’t live to see thirty. 

Today is Book Club. I always love book club days even though I feel bad because my parents go nuts making the house clean. And yes, I read the book. It looks kind of bad if the host doesn’t.