Affirmation Three: God Loves and Protects Me

I somehow feel like religion has gone out of fashion. But I do believe most people are looking for something to believe in bigger than themselves. I had my first crisis of faith at fourteen which was a very trying time in my life: I was sexually assaulted, I was manipulated by an older drug dealer and I was severely bullied until I had to change schools. Through all this I wondered “why?” What had I done to deserve such terrible things? I didn’t think to look at the hardships of the people around me and noted everyone had trials, problems, not just me. It was only after I put my trust in God that my burdens felt lighter though as someone with two severe mental disorders they never fully relented. But I was more equipped to handle them.

• God creates the beautiful things in our lives as well as bad. And I don’t know why. No one does. I don’t know why a God that can create colorful coral reefs and clown fish can be the same God to allow oil spills. I don’t know why the same God that could see the miracle of childbirth day after day can also witness miscarriages and stillborns. I don’t know why the Holocaust happened or 9/11 or even child abuse within the Catholic church of all places. But I do know that our doubt is partly what makes us human. And our faith is the other part.

• I have been in several dark places in my life. Everytime I am knee deep in desperation I find God. And the one time he wasn’t able to reach me (my suicide attempt when I was psychotic) he sent other people to help me and that is why I’m still here. 

• I try to find times to pray. I will write God a letter every month or so expressing gratitude, giving praises, requesting help and talking with God, this man who has seen my whole life, who knows me better than I do. 

• Do I wish I knew more? Yes, but I think it’s better I don’t.  I hope there is a heaven and I hope that one day I see all my friends, family and cats That keeps me going on Earth. The thought that none of this matters and we all just….vanish? I find that extremely depressing and I also don’t know why anyone can find that comforting. I believe in God. Many of my friends don’t and that’s okay. But God loves me and protects me. I say it every day.