Entries from the Closed Ward

   I have been very upfront about being hospitalized six times. The first five times were at a nice hospital although I didn’t appreciate it at the time. I was just bummed about my phone being taken, missing my family and all the festivities (one time I was hospitalized at Thanksgiving, another at Christmas), missing out on schoolwork (it drove me nuts) and just being bored. Some of the times I was assigned a one to one (basically a tech or nurse assigned to watch you do literally everything. They watch you sleep and yes they watch you shit too) until I was taken off suicide watch. It  sucked but I felt safe there. That was a luxury I did not have at the sixth hospital.

I had been lucky so far. The sixth hospital was dirty, rough and (in my opinion) unsafe. My old therapist said he wouldn’t even send a dog there. These are a small collection of things I wrote while being hospitalized at —--- —----- (they might sue me. I don’t want to get slapped with accusations of libel). I didn’t write much while I was there because my brain was very foggy from the medication and the environment made me uneasy plus I was crashing from an intense manic episode and been pushed to the brink of psychosis. But here is what went down in that infamous week in July 2023.

Dear Justin,                                                                                                  June 28th

My first night here and I dont think I have ever been so sick. They found me on the floor (gross) of the bathroom crying because the voices were telling me to rip out my eyes. They gave me Haldol and Benadryl and a pencil and now I’m writing to  you. My roommate is talking in her sleep which startled me. Today in the ER I watched Dr. Pimple Popper for two hours. I’m going to keep writing letters to you because it calms me down and I miss you so much. I think I’ll try to sleep now. I’m getting tired and have to get up early. Love,

                                                 Leigh

Dear Justin,

Waiting for the phones to open up. It’s about 6;30 in the morning. I’m exhausted. I wish there was a communal room like at —------ —------ but they separate us here. The doctors were very surprised my Depakote and Lithium levels were so low. He even asked if I’d been taking my medication. I would call you but I have to pay. Kind of like jail. There are no groups here. I’m hoping to get into a partial hospitalization when I’m gone. 

                                                   Leigh

The next entry or two are from a journal Mom and Dad gave me in the hospital to fill out when I was bored. They were constantly bringing presents. My mom also used to bring home baked goods but I had to start watching what I eat so now its journals and library books. I never have a shortage of what to read and write.

Date: 7/1/2023

Prompt: You may have seen the word “gratitude” so many times by now it’s lost all meaning. What’s gratitude mean to you. 

Answer: Gratitude means being happy with what I have. It means caffeinated coffee in the morning while I read my book, petting Scout outside and going for walks on pleasant Spring days. It means hanging out with Justin, grabbing sushi with friends and Wordle with Mom. It means privacy when I use the bathroom, a clean shower and Glee on my laptop It is open mics, comedy shows and poetry slams. And using your phone when you want. I guess while I’m here gratitude means thankful for the food they have like waffles, French Toast and hot dogs. I’m thankful it isn’t Co-vid so Mom and Dad can visit. Imagine if I got no visitors! How devastating! The knowledge of my family and friends is the only thing that keeps me going. That they are all waiting for me when I get out. 

Date: 7/1/2023

Prompt: What are your five (legal) things to do to relax?

1. Read about something I’m passionate about like mental illness. I like learning new little factoids.

2. Listening to music especially Shinedown or Three Days Grace and silly pop music I can dance to.

3. Taking bubble baths

4. Write a poem (especially while doing #2 on the list)

5. Watch Glee (For a long time I really loved that show. I haven’t watched an episode in probably about two years)

Date: 7/1/2023

Prompt: What was the highlight of your day? Your week? It could be as simple as a really good sandwich. 

• Pancakes for breakfast (I got an extra one. I will concede I did like food from the hospital. Probably because they didn’t adhere to Weight Watchers meals)

• New girl was nice to me. (She actually gave me her number but I didn’t want any ties to the hospital after I left)

• The nursing staff gave me Klonopin when I needed it

• Two cool new journals from Mom and Dad

• TV commercials were kind of soothing

• I got to shower (at the end of my stay at the hospital I got a six hour pass to go home so long as I was monitored by my parents. I would just shower at home because the shower in the hospital (yes, one shower for all the women) was disgusting).

• Coloring with another patient

• Seeing Debbie (she was my favorite and the kindest nurse)

• Getting Salt and Vinegar chips from the vending machine (We were taken to the kitchen on walks if we had permission)

• Dad buying me iced tea

It’s been a while since I’ve been through the hospital system. Now if I have a crisis my parents keep me on suicide watch. My mom will keep an eye on me in the bathroom and we will share a bed. I won’t be allowed out with friends or even Justin (though he usually comes over if I can’t go out). I don’t trust the mental health system or the hospital system anymore. People should be able to chose where they end up. I will make it a lifelong battle to make this happen.