Feeling Panicked

Feeling: Panicked

Date: 11/7/2018

Today marked yet another mental health issue: a panic attack. I was at my writing group and had to leave early. I don’t get where these feelings of panic, of literal terror come from. Sometimes when I’m having a panic attack it feels like I’m going crazy, that my psychosis is back, that i could do things like throw coffee and scream. I don’t feel very in control of my body or my mind. I get terrified I will hurt myself. Like that terrible day when I tried to take my own life.I did my best to slit my wrists and maybe if the razor was sharper this could all be different. But I have to be strong. Panic attacks can’t hurt me. I’ve gone through many. Panic attacks are one of the reasons I can’t work. After panic attacks I feel so weak like I’ve put my body through some great trauma. I’m so exhausted right now. I’m going to sleep as I finish my journaling. I don’t understand how these panic attacks come from nowhere. Yes I miss Xanax. My psychiatrist doesn’t like me using it and the hospital didn’t either but I’d settle for Ativan or Klonopin. Holding a stuffed animal helps. I texted my therapist who told me to splash cold water on my face and repeat “Although I am anxious I am safe and sound in this moment” I’m safe in my bed with my Poohs and blankie and body pillow and my parents in the next room. I’m safe. There is no reason to be panicked. It will all be okay.