How to Correctly Run Your Life

1. Don’t have a laundry day. Wear sweaty gym bras two days in a row because a little sweat never hurt anyone. Squeeze into shorts from two summers ago because you are too lazy to pour some detergent into a washing machine. Sleep in the nude and studiously avoid the overflowing hamper.

2. Never make any mark on the calendar or create anything resembling a to-do list. The brain is its own calendar and it is a masterful one. Trot that line out everytime you doublebook or forget a deadline.

3. Don’t dress according to the weather. Torrential downpours when you are going to an outdoor ball game? Psshhh, a little rain never hurt anyone. Gloves when you are going to your cousins caroling party? Which involves parading up and down five blocks in subzero temperatures. Well, frostbite builds character.

4. Don’t keep track of your period. It’s fun to be surprised by a big red stain every month, especially when that blood has leaked onto your white tennis skirt and you are up next at the big poetry slam.

5. Assume things will go according to plan. Why wouldn’t it? You have thoughtfully crafted this five point plan to assure everything will turn out perfectly.  What could go wrong? There is no traffic. People don’t get sick. Everything will be fine. 

6. Never contemplate anything bigger than yourself. Live immersed in the material world including how much money you make, the car you drive and the hotness of the women you date. Don’t ever pray or meditate because that stuff is for Catholics and new age hippies. Death is scary. Why think about it?

7. Don’t read reviews before you see a movie. Watch the trailers because everyone knows they are totally reliable. Pay the full $11.00 for a coke instead of just sneaking an equally sized drink in your bag.

8. Gossip. Pass dirt around like your lips on our fire and it physically hurts to keep secrets inside. The juicier the dish the faster it rolls off your tongue. Bonus points if the person specifically asked you to keep this private. After all you are. You just have to tell the person you told not to tell anyone else. And if they do “you didn’t hear it from me”

9. Go out to clubs alone. That means solo, no guy friends no gal pals. Leave your drink unattended or worse, allow a stranger to buy you one. Leave the house with no plans of how you are getting back home because you certainly aren’t driving in your condition. Right?

10. Flirt with men who are not  your boyfriend. Flirt with married men. Flirt with guy friends who have crushes on you and pretend you are not leading them on. Fidelity is a fleeting concept anyway. We’re all gonna die (see item 6). Might as well have fun while you’re here.