I Wish I Was

'

Brave enough to speak my mind:

I have a lot of opinions. If you ask me about a current event or a political topic and I appear wishy-washy on the subject, generally I’m lying. I don’t want to tell  you. Because I’m worried you’ll judge me, or maybe even hate me. In my opinion, my ideas aren’t all that radical. They make perfect sense to me. Yet I don’t share them with anyone except  my boyfriend. Too risky. Or maybe Im just a coward.

Secure in my body:I don’t hate my body as much as I used to. I accept that the weight gain is mostly the fault of the medication. But I do compare my body to that of other girls which isn’t very healthy and only inspires jealousy. I compare waists and breasts and asses, all the things a man might care about. For it is on their behalf that i scrutinize my body so harshly. I punish myself for not having the perfect body, so I can feel secure in the eyes of men.

Comfortable with criticism

My least favorite words in the human language: “Don’t take it personally” “I didn’t like your story that much. Don’t take it personally” “That dress makes you look a little big.Don’t take it personally” “Kevin told me he doesn’t think you’re pretty. Don’t take it  personally” These words usually come from another girl who is trying to knock you down a peg without making it apparent she’s doing so. She’s usually the jealous type, jealous of your story, of how you look in that dress, jealous because Kevin actually did say you were quite pretty. I had a roommate like this so I would know. Sometimes people often genuine criticism: “You might consider rewriting the end of that story” “I like the color of the dress but I’m not sure it’s the most flattering” You have to learn to live with this because criticisms of stories and dresses and even your appearance is not criticism of you as a person. You are much more than that.

More independent

I depend on my parents for everything. Not quite everything. I empty the dishwasher, set the table, make breakfast, do laundry and try (try) to keep my room clean. I load up my weekly medication containers which is actually quite a chore because I’m on at least ten, all different doses. Sometimes I’ll get on the phone with the pharmacy. But Mom cooks dinner, my dad cleans up. They both handle yard work. Mom vacuums and does bathrooms. In comparison they are responsible for much more than I am. I am planning on moving in with Justin soon. Well, not soon. Soon is relative. Within the next few years. I need to become more independent before I do that. 

Better disciplined

I know I could get my weight down if I stopped eating sugar and fried foods. Justin cooks me delicious meals but I also get the feeling they aren’t the most healthy. Do I tell him to slow it down on the olive oil? Of course not because I ‘m freaking addicted to food. If I was better disciplined, I could refuse seconds. I could be skinny again. I am disciplined when it comes to some things. I don’t drink alcohol at all. It’s been several months since I touched an energy drink. I can be disciplined. Who would ever guess food would be my weakness? I used to go all days without even being hungry.  I’d skip lunch! Now I have like three lunches. It’s discouraging. I need discipline.

What do you wish you were? What’s stopping you from being that way? Leave your answer in the comments below