More About Boundaries

There’s this really cool town near where my boyfriend lives where I got this nifty book called  Unf*ck Your Boundaries. It explains all about boundaries, the different kinds, how we can set firmer boundaries if need be. 

Here are some external boundaries that were either violated against my will or that I just let people trample over:

• Sexual assault. This boundary has been violated several times by several different men. It occurs to more women than you think- chances are you or at least one person you know has been raped or assaulted.

• Unwanted touching. When I was in eighth grade there was this older guy who was constantly “scooping” me. Scooping involves taking a girls breast and “scooping” it, lifting it slightly. Its a form of sexual harassment. I wasn’t brave enough to bring it up to the guy himself so I asked his girlfriend’s (yes he had a girlfriend) little sister to tell her older sister to tell him to stop. He stopped. There was another boy that was always trying to fondle me. At one point he tried to grab me from behind. That is the way I was sexually assaulted so I immediately went into panic mode, trying to protect myself. I jabbed upward and gave him a well earned punch in the nose.  

I’ve been pretty lucky that most of my external boundaries remained intact.  I was involved in a toxic relationship with someone who violated many of my boundaries. Here are a few:

•  He told me I couldn’t go to any “bars or parties” without him when I hadn’t done anything for him to warrant his kind of control (I can’t think of anything that would. I didn’t even drink when I went out).

• He texted me constantly. We were in contact all day and late into the night. Now that I’m in a healthy relationship I understand it’s normal and healthy to put  your phone down and take a break every few hours. We have our own lives to lead.

• I told him I wanted to live with my parents and stay here so I could be close to my activities, my friends and most importantly my psychiatrist who managed a lot of meds and knew my psychiatric history. Every single night my ex would start guilting or gaslighting me into coming to him even though he had no  job, no degree, no way of making money and his family structure was crumbling. I at least had a means of making money and I felt safe here.

• I felt he was always picking fights

• One time one of his fights upset me so much I slit my wrists and my parents took me to the hospital where they turned me away because there were not enough beds (can I just say again that the mental health system in this country is so fucking broken?). The next night he didn’t even comment on the fight and the way he had backed me into a corner. He started on me again like he didn’t care this was hurting me. I think that’s when I realized I had to leave him. 

• He violated sexual boundaries which I won’t expand on here 

Since I broke up with him about six years ago, I have rebuilt strong boundaries both for my relationships but also for myself. Here are five:

• NO ONE may grope, squeeze, “honk” or scoop my breasts. I guess people think that because my boobs are extra big and I’m extra small that makes it okay? I don’t know what the thought process is. But you touch a sexual part of my body (or really any part of my body) I am going to make a big fucking deal out of it. Even my boyfriend never touches me without permission.

• No alcohol. Everyone knows this. We go to the bar, I order a Shirley Temple.

• No self-harm. Obviously this is another boundary for myself. I haven’t injured myself in about two years but I still have the scar. And I did it with a fingernail. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t bleed.

• Don’t trash my friends in front of me. I’m not going to say I don’t gossip but I don’t say things about friends and I try not to be mean. Everyone is going through something and most people could use the benefit of the doubt.

• Don’t say bad things about my family. You would think this would be a no brainer. Yet it blows my mind that some people (some adults!) would say things about my family. In front of me no less. Alot of it is because my dad is a police officer and because my family is very conservative. When people trash police officers in front of me, did it ever occur to you that that offends me? My dad is a good, kind person. He served the police force for 38 years and they gave him a hell of a retirement party with a large marching band. I even got flowers! I felt so proud because he spent years serving the city and he finally got recognition. Oh and today’s his birthday. Happy birthday Dad (just kidding. He doesn’t read this blog). As for my mom, we hit some rough patches in my teens. I take the blame. I lied to her alot. Looking back, I cringe when I see how I treated her. My mom is not perfect but I get angry when anyone says anything about her because she is doing her best and that’s pretty good! And of course if  you have any complaints about my brother, he’s my younger brother and I don’t want to hear them. 

What are your boundaries? I think it’s important to establish them before someone walks all over you.