More Advice from "Start Right Where You Are" by Sam Bennett

• “Not every idea is meant to be acted upon”

I have ideas left and right, usually ambitious ones. I’m glad I’ve acted on some, like my book club.  Some are simply too expensive, time consuming or ask too much from other people. Still, its comforting to know I can generate as many ideas as I do.

• “Connect with new people in your daily life”

I collect friends  like some collect Monopoly properties or Pokemon cards. I meet most of them through other friends and poetry slams. My motto is that everybody is a potential friend…and bonus if they have similar interests like poetry.

• “In my experience, by the time a person is asking out loud a question like “Should I quit  my job?” or “Should I leave my relationship?” that ship has already sailed”

I realized in college that if I was debating ending a relationship I really didn’t want to be in it anyway. I was just prolonging the inevitable and it scared the fuck out of me that I might have to hurt someone. Same with my jobs. I knew they were wreaking havoc on my mental health but the prospect of being unemployed made me feel like I  was incompetent.

• “The happiest couples have sex once a week”

I don’t like talking about sex because its between me and my boyfriend plus my family reads this blog so I’ll just leave that tidbit here.

• “You can tell the story  of your life as though you have been victimized or you can accept full responsibility for your reactions and results” 

I don’t like being a victim. I don’t consider myself a victim. Every “failure” has only led to something better. When I left public school, I joined two youth groups and a library group where I made great friends and an awesome boyfriend. When I left college, I met Rockland Poets, a safe place to share my poetry for the last seven years. I do have streaks of “woe is me” but I’m trying to stamp them out. 

• “We all suffer. Everyone gets the same amount of pain”

I included this because I’m not entirely sure I agree with it. Some people do seem to have a pretty cushy life. But we all suffer from different demons. I am lucky because I have a talent for writing. I wouldn’t trade this talent even if it meant I was cured of all my mental illnesses. That’s how important it is to me. Maybe someone is mental illness free but they can’t string a sentence together. Maybe it all evens out after all like Bennett believes.

• “Nothing bad is happening”

Bennett reveals how she keeps calm during a crisis. She recites in her head “Nothing bad is happening” I started doing this and it’s amazing how much calmer I feel.  I used to fly into panic attacks if people didn’t text me back right away. I was the master of the triple, then quadruple text. Last year when my prolactin levels were high, there was a chance I had a tumor on my pituitary gland (brain tumor). I did not take this news calmly even though in the end it turned out to be related to my medication instead.

• “This is your big chance not to let other people’s opinions sway you”

I always admire people who can speak their mind even though they know others won’t agree. I haven’t always been able to do that but I’ve gotten better by offering my opinion during book club and in smaller circles.

• “Many of us are not members of the Happy Childhood Club. But the good news is we’re grown-ups now and we get to re-parent ourselves”

My childhood was actually very pleasant. My parents loved and nurtured me. I played alot with my brother and cousins. I went to a good school where I learned I had a gift for writing. When I was eleven I was diagnosed with several anxiety disorders and had to be  medicated. It went downhill after that and I had a very rocky adolescence. But as an adult I know myself so much better now. I know what makes me feel good when I wracked with anxiety, or what makes me feel safe when I’m having a flashback. My parents did a very good job on me and I do a good job on myself.

• “Three ahhhs trump any ugh”

Ahhh’s are positive feelings that give a boost for our day when ughs are the exact opposite. Some ahhh’s for me: when the coffee is ready, when I’m having my daily matzoh, when I push myself during a workout. Ughs include an unclean room (inevitably I bang my toe on something), feeling hungry, showering after the gym.

• “Just because you didn’t get the result you wanted doesn’t mean it wasn’t a valuable experience”

I often say this,  I would not change a thing at Scranton. Well, maybe I wouldn’t say those things about Derrick and Amanda. Even my suicide attempt. It showed me God had selected me for something special, it wasn’t my time yet. It made me so much more appreciative of this life I have been given. I am particularly in awe of Mother Nature because I know the same creator made me.

• “Don’t apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong”

I know this drove people crazy when I was growing up. I ran into a lot of impatient  people who would dismiss me or roll their eyes or ask “Why are you saying sorry?” like I was an idiot who didn’t know what the word meant. Which would only make me repeat the word and them to grow more annoyed (Note: My family was never like this with me). It made me very insecure and even somewhat shy. I believe now that the overapologizing was a way of checking, an OCD compulsion. I wish more counselors and teachers would make more of an effort to understand little kids.

• “Just think of the first time you felt at home in a place that wasn’t home” 

Truly? Scranton. My first night I knew I had made the right decision. I had already met Emily (who made me coffee), drank a Monster and lounged on the grass eating hot dogs with my dorm mates. I made friends quickly. I loved my classes (I was having an affair with my calendar). I loved it  when my preppy roommate moved out! Playing frisbee on the Green in the September air I knew I made the right decision.

• “You want to stay in contact with people who inspire you, who make you laugh, who you trust”

I haven’t really done a great job in keeping in touch with people from my past. But I will not let those bonds go especially Emily/ Alice, Brandon/ Jake, and Brianna/ Victoria. The three of them (plus Tristan/ Derrick) collectively saved my life. Well not literally (there were two other very special people who did that). But these people are the ones who made it possible for me to stay at school as long as I did.

• “Keel a weather eye out for flakes, nuts and flim flam artists”

In college and after, I met people who raised red flags. I wasn’t able to vet all of them and I’ve gotten hurt in some cases. But I know that’s mostly on them since I mostly try to do the right thing. 

• “You can’t take everyone with you”

I wish I could have taken more of my Scranton friends with me. Or my high school friends. I will learn from these mistakes and make sure the friends I have with me now are here to stay.