My Future Plans

I’ve spent the last few years accustomed to not working. That isn’t really how I planned it but I seem unable to hold a job since my bipolar disorder surfaced. Before that I held five jobs (not all at the same time).

• I refereed soccer. This was especially stressful not because of the kids (it was a rec league) but because of their parents. I cannot tell you how many times parents came up to me challenging my calls. It also didn’t help that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I had been playing soccer for nine years but that alone does not equip you to be a ref. 

• For three summers I worked at a summer camp for kids with cancer. This was the only job that did not make me feel stressed even though there were definitely stressful moments and difficult decisions. I think the reason this job was easier than the other ones was because I got paid less.

• I worked at a crafts store and I actually got promoted to manager. That also meant I was useless during returns and helpless when one of my coworkers had a serious seizure right in front of me. Soon the panic attacks started. I quit. 

• I worked at a clothing store. The girls were pretty cliquey and I never mastered how to properly take security tags off the clothes. Plus a lot of customers were snotty and came in five minutes to close.

• I worked in the library. I loved the library and I was good at my job. But again the panic attacks resurfaced forcing me at one point to lock myself in the bathroom.

Yesterday my therapist asked if I was making any money from my books. I was not. He asked how I planned to make a living once I moved out which is something I one day intend on doing. I felt oceans of panic crash over me. Not just waves, my friend. Oceans. I admitted I didn’t know. He suggested I become a peer specialist, which requires only some training and no college education. I would like that because, in addition to needing money, I want to help people. In college I was studying to be a counselor. This would be somewhat akin to that. So that’s the next stop on the Leigh train.