My Treatment, My Options Part One

The ending of this summer was bumpy. I got manic again (as I so often do in the summer) which means sleepless nights, embarrassing urges and bad moods. I once read that bipolar disorder meant euphoria. I personally have never experienced a euphoric episode, only grandiosity and blind confidence. But I’m a wicked bitch. My parents and Justin bear the brunt of it. I’m still recovering from this episode just in time for the OCD to start rearing it’s ugly head (it gets bad in the late fall and around Christmas. Christmas is actually the worst time for my OCD). I may not have spoken publicly about this but I have also been struggling with binge eating. My eating is unpredictable. I know food makes me happy and that once I start eating it’s really hard for me to stop. I eat in secret. My parents hide certain foods from me around the house so I don’t eat it all. The shame over my eating is far greater than the shame I ever had over my drinking.

So I decided to go back to therapy. My OCD is worse than its ever been and the obsessions are tormenting me while my compulsions are interfering in my every day life. I was proud to complete trauma therapy last year but I see we must deal with one demon at a time. I am on medication for OCD. Unfortunately every time we raise the medicine I have a manic episode. It’s like balancing on a seesaw. And thanks to my medications, I’m not very good at balancing.

I am going to pursue talk therapy with my therapist working out cognitive distortions. His wife is also going to help me with my relationship with food (she has a basic understanding of nutrition and how it affects the brain) and work through my anxiety through different kinds of yoga.

Then he laid some other treatment options out for me. The one that is at the forefront of his mind is a ketamine treatment. Now I knew about ketamine in high school from a book about drugs. In college I was offered some at a party. He (the boy at the party) assured me that even though it was a “horse tranquilizer” it wouldn’t hurt me unless I went into a “k-hole”. Needless to say I did not take him up on the offer. My therapist assured me it was a different type of ketamine for humans. It would take place over three weeks, twice a week. There would always be someone with me in case I had a bad trip. I would also see him directly after my infusions to make sure I was okay and stable. He conceded the ketamine did bring powerful emotions and sensations; that was why I needed to be in a supervised and controlled environment.

I was watching my dad’s face as my therapist explained this and I highly doubt my parents (especially my former cop dad who knows ketamine as the street drug “Special K”) will be down for this. Besides it is most likely not covered by insurance since it is fairly experimental (I believe it’s only been in the United States for about eight years). Another obstacle is that they do not perform the treatment if someone has a history of psychosis because it could open the door for more psychosis outside of therapy. I had several pretty scary episodes of psychosis in college culminating in a suicide attempt fueled by auditory hallucinations. I’ve also had paranoid episodes and dissociation. However, that was nine years ago and emerged as a result of bipolar disorder not schizophrenia.

My therapist said he did not like the word “miracle” but he believed this could practically eliminate my OCD. He says as I get older I can’t continue to be on twelve medications. The side effects take their toll on me in the short term; what about the long term? We don’t even know about that. He wants me on a weight loss drug because he says with the medication I’m on I am fighting a losing battle. “It’s like your the lone soldier at the Alamo against the Mexican army” I feel like I’ve been fighting my whole life against something.

There were other treatments he brought up. TMS (transmagnetic stimulation) and ECT (electroshock therapy). But I’m a little tired now. I’m sure you understand.