Sades of Emotion: Sadness

I have had an overall happy life (especially my early childhood) but there have been periods of severe sadness: eighth grade, the end of my freshmen year of high school and my sophomore year of college which might be the first time I became dangerously suicidal. Some reasons for my sadness were biology (my OCD caused me to fall into a deep depression at age eleven, an age no kid should feel that level of sadness plus I’m bipolar type one), bullying and rejection from my peers, sexual assault/ trauma, and physical health problems like PCOS and Crohn’s disease. Here are some specific ways in which I felt sadness:

Subemotions of Sadness: Guilt, Despair, Lonely, Bored

Guilt: 80%. A big component of my OCD is actually guilt. Guilt for “urges” (which aren’t really urges, they are more intrusive thoughts. For example I don’t actually have the urge to hurt babies, I’m just worried I will. And then I feel guilty about it. A big part of my OCD is asking my parents if I’m a good person, trying to alleviate the guilt. But that’s just another part of  my OCD). 

Despair: 10% I have had times in my life where I’ve been staring down despair. But it’s rare because I try to a) look on the bright side b) appreciate the little things. I try to find three good things for every bad thing that has happened. Sometimes this doesn’t work and you have to let yourself feel your feelings instead of covering it up (like with the death of someone close. Let yourself feel your emotions. It’s not healthy to try to suppress them). But let’s say you didn’t make the poetry slam team. Take solace in three good things (the support of your friends, how close you came to making the team, the fact that your boyfriend is sleeping over) and don’t run out and get frostbite. Yeah, that was embarrassing.

Lonely 40% I don’t really get lonely anymore. I have many friends and a loyal boyfriend not to mention a wide circle of family who loves me. Yet growing up I felt lonely most of my life which is why I attached to people very quickly, usually before they were ready and the result was that I would end up pushing them away. And then I’d be lonely all over again. In second grade, I was extremely lonely but I didn’t know I was until I looked back on my memories and journal entries. All I did was complain about classmates and gym teachers. There was nothing positive there. I missed my cousins. My teacher actually called my mom and told her she was worried about me because I didn’t seem to have an interest in making friends. Luckily it kicked in at the end of third grade and I realized how nice it felt to actually talk to people at recess instead of reading or making up stories in my head.

Bored 5% I am hardly ever bored. I can get bored in doctors offices (even when I bring a book!) but besides that I am able to amuse myself. Playing as a kid I never got bored because (not gonna break here) I had a killer imagination and I’m very creative. My brother and I would play games together or I’d play alone, lost in a world of princesses or house or school or doctor or just writing and illustrating books that I’d staple together to show my parents. Sometimes I would get bored in the mental institutions because we were left to our own devices for hours on end in the same small place. Usually I’d write or read and sometimes I would color. If you can keep busy in a mental institution  you are not easily bored. 

The older I get the less I let sadness hold me prisoner. Because it definitely will. If you let it.