Self-Sabotage

I have a long history of harmful habits- overusing alcohol, promiscuous behavior, literally cutting myself (does it get much more harmful than that?). I have rid myself of most of them but there are still demons that plague me. I’m not in therapy anymore so I’m trying to fix them myself with a curious blend of meds, music, art and aromatherapy. 

Here are some ways I sabotage myself:

1. Binge eat. If I am left alone and given access to food, I will binge eat. This usually happens with nuts or chips or anything salty. Then I’ll feel really ashamed…..but I might eat more,

2. Can’t let go/ meditate on the past. I spend alot of time reflecting on the past, prior traumas, things that went wrong. I think about my friend Derrick alot even though we haven’t spoken in over three years and I don’t think we ever will again. It’s hard for me to accept Scranton was nine years ago because I hold those memories so dear and don’t want to put distance between them. But I have a new life now. New boyfriend, new friends, new vocation. I am very happy now. I won’t let the past take that away.

3. FOMO. I have terrible fear of missing out. It’s probably why I overbook myself. The outing I miss out on could solidify a friend group. Take the other night for example. I went out with some friends but left after eating because I had a busy weekend. The next day I saw pictures of my friends labeled “Girls Night Out” with pictures of the four of them and no mention of me. I told myself I didn’t care but it did sting a bit.

4. Talk badly to myself. I’m very harsh on myself. One time I thought I offended a friend (I didn’t) and I was so distraught I used my fingernails to dig into my own skin. And if you think fingernails can’t do much damage it’s been over two years now and I still have the scar.

5. Compare my body to that of other girls. Nothing makes me more miserable when a girl has a nicer rack than me. I’m just used to that being “my thing”. Its weird but I think it’s because my boobs got a lot of attention growing up (in good and bad ways) and now its kind of like I have a fixation I’ve been too embarrassed to explore with any therapist. Usually if its a girl I like enough I’ll just get over it.

List ways you can love your body (I did alot of ways relating to aromatherapy because I find my body very susceptible to them). 

1. Use the special soap my cousins gave me in the shower. For my last birthday some of my cousins came over and they brought an amazing spa basket. It had so many cool things- bath bombs, shower spritzes (that’s my own terminology), a diffuser. 

2. Put on a spritz of perfume if you know it’ll be a sweaty night (i.e. dancing)

3. Use the diffuser while you work. They got me ten scents. My favorite so far is baby powder.

4. Use the shower spritzes in the morning for a scented wake me up

5. Have a foaming bubble bath on a chilly winter night.

And stop being so goddamn hard on myself. I’m doing the best I can.