Ten Hard Questions

1. Have you ever taken a picture down because it didn’t get “enough” likes?

Sadly I have done this. I don’t consider myself very superficial anymore but I used to love buying new clothes and posting hot pics, particularly when my body was looking good. Here’s the thing though: it was never “enough”. I have many attractive friends, but I have one friend from college who is gorgeous. Blonde hair, attractive face, perfect body. Our male friends even awarded her “best ass” which gave me a complex about my own ass (to their credit they were very complimentary about my boobs). Seeing pictures of her would make me take down my own photos because I felt like people might compare us and see me lacking. I was more insecure then which is funny because I weighed about seventy pounds less than I do now. 

2. Do you believe in monogamy?

I am not going to say polyamory doesn’t work with some couples. But I will say it doesn’t work for me. I tried it once with a partner. I was able to have relations with men but when my boyfriend started focusing on a girl besides me I became so jealous I almost clawed her eyes out. I wasn’t crazy about it. I didn’t egg her house or anything. I ended up breaking down to my boyfriend and we closed our relationship back up. I deleted Tinder and Hinge and he never talked to her again. The chance to have fun with other men? So not worth it.

3. Do you believe in God?

God has been my saviour in a life that has sometimes been very  hard. I struggled to have a relationship with God in  my teens because I was dealing with OCD and I was wondering why he would give me such a heavy burden when I was essentially just a kid. I was also dealing with the repercussions of being sexually assaulted. When I tried to take my life, God was there. He put Dave and Debbie there to protect me, to pull me through that terrifying twenty minutes where I wasn’t sure if I would die, all  I knew is that there was a lot of blood. He stayed with me in that hospital and the hospital after that. I still don’t know why bad things happen to good people. For example later that year my friend Ryan would take his life and succeed. I have many questions for God. Why did Ryan die? Why was I spared? And I won’t know the answer for a long time.

4. Are you afraid of the dark?

I love horror movies but oh my God I think they do affect me. I have horrific nightmares (mixed with flashbacks) and I also see things in the shadows around my room. Two images really really fuck with my mind (along with the the scene from Smile 2 with all her background dancers. That was terrifying). One is the Momo and before you search it it involves a woman with a large smile on bird feet. That doesn’t sound very scary. Oh but it is. Have you looked? Now you understand what I’m talking about. The second is the image associated with the Russian sleep experiment. Its a creepypasta about a (fictional) experiment conducted on Soviet prisoners. The story is good as far as horror stories go. The image pushes it a little over the edge.

5. If you died tomorrow would you have regrets?

I would regret letting my friendship with Debbie (who happens to be Derrick’s mom and the mom of his brother, whom I almost dated) go. I want to do all the things we used to do.We could stay up till three am making little Debbies. I remember one night she sat up with me showing me all her mother’s day cards while one of her sons slept on the floor. I also probably would regret not having checked in with Emily. I know we are drifting apart and it’s exactly as I feared. I would regret all the people I hurt during my manic episodes especially my ex boyfriends when we didn’t know I was bipolar. I just want you to know none of that was intentional. I was just as sidelined as you were

6. Have you ever hooked up with a friend’s ex?

Yes. I’ve done it more than once. My biggest decision though was when I decided to date the ex of the girl I was like a sister too. In my defense she set us up together. I think she thought we were going to have a one night stand (we were all drunk) and that wouldn’t bother her. But then I started vomiting blood and he had to call an ambulance and he was there at my bedside in the hospital for about six hours until my dad took over. That experience really bonded us and he asked me out later that week. I was smitten and I said yes. We don’t talk anymore but me and my friend patched things up. I even paid a visit to her in her home town after we were both finished with college.

7. Do you believe in karma?

Intellectually I know karma is kind of silly but I also believe in it. On a surface level anyway. Let’s put it this way: I believe “bad” people have bad luck coming to them. It’s why I would never try to get revenge on anyone who has wronged me. All I can do is take care of myself and wait.

8. Have you ever been ghosted?

One of my FWB ghosted me after a year of weekly hookups. Not only was I mortified I was actually really upset. It was a tough time in my life: my camper had passed away from cancer (she was ten), my brother had just been diagnosed with cancer and my aunt was passing away from cancer. I felt like I was drowning in that insidious disease and then my FWB (who  didn’t know about any of my emotional baggage) just stopped replying. You can’t make a person respond to you if they don’t want to. He definitely regretted that though (they all come crawling back….).

9. What’s the most embarrassing thing in your search history from this week?

I think that would either be “why am I peeing so much?” or “why is my pee so light?”. Sorry to call attention to my urine. I’ve been extra thirsty and urinating frequently which can mean something is off with my lithium. I was actually once misdiagnosed with diabetes because my lithium was off. Or my urine could be affected by the antibiotic I am on (ear infection remember?).

10. What is a controversial opinion you hold that makes people mad?

I am very “back the blue” and I’m not ashamed of it. I acknowledge not all police officers are heroes and saints. They’re human just like us. But they do a very dangerous job and don’t get much recognition. I don’t know if supporting the police has gotten so bad that it is actually controversial (please tell me  it’s not) but people definitely do get ornery if you voice this opinion. At least they get uncomfortable. Which I don’t really care about. Be uncomfortable.