Ten Things Men Should Know About "That Time of the Month"

One night when I was ten (ah such an innocent age!) I was reading a teen magazine and came across the term “get my period”. It wasn’t the first time I had seen this so I was more than a little curious and asked my mom about it when she came up to tuck me into bed. My mom sat on the bed and spent the next half hour explaining to me what menstruation was. She explained it very well but I spent the next two years until I got my period regarding it as one of life’s biggest mysteries. As I got older and started dating, I realized how uncomfortable the subject made men and how little they knew about it. And that annoyed me. Here I am, going through this every month and you can’t even take the time to educate yourself? That’s why I’m here writing this. Maybe next time your girlfriend gets her period you’ll pick her up some chocolates when you go to the store for tampons. We, as women, can only hope. 

1. Yes, it hurts. Where, you ask? Everywhere. Back, legs, breasts, stomach, head (I get notorious migraines the day before and of my period). Sometimes our vaginas hurt when the bleeding is heavy. Most girls take Midol but unfortunately it is not compatible with my psych medication so I can only take Tylenol and that doesn’t really help with the cramps. I usually get the cramping in my lower back so when I’m on my period I like soaking in the tub or curling up with a heating pad. 

2. Yes, we do crave chocolate (and probably half a dozen other things). My mom doesn’t really approve of candy (especially right now when I am prediabetic) but growing up she would give me squares of dark chocolate on my period. This might be just me but dark chocolate is preferable to milk chocolate, even bordering on bitter. Oh and sea salt. You know, in case anybody out there feels like sending me chocolate. 

3. Tampons can be uncomfortable. I couldn’t even wear tampons until I was about seventeen. I remember the day I got my period I spent about an hour in the bathroom trying to shove that sucker in but it wasn’t happening. Now it just slips right in. There are also different size tampons depending on the heaviness of the flow. I don’t like wearing tampons after the third day of my period because it feels like a giant cotton swob is poking me.

4. Yes our hormones do change. I become a hormonal mess on my period. I remember one time I was being really bitchy to my parents and I was worried because I wasn’t sure if I was becoming manic (I get very irritable when I’m manic). Then I realized I was getting my period in two days and that was why. I was so relieved I ran upstairs to tell them.

5. Our digestive tracts get all screwed up. That’s all I’ll say on the subject.

6. We get bloated. Our breasts get bigger. DO NOT TOUCH WITHOUT PERMISSION. Those things are sore as hell. If I do give you permission you may tenderly touch my blimps. There will be no sucking on my nipples under any circumstance. Unless you know, I’m into that at that particular time.

7. Back to the hormones. Some women get horny on their period. Some just want to lie there like a lump feeling gross and unattractive. I will say this: it is very hard to feel sexy on your period. You either have cotton inside you or you're wearing a diaper. You look like you're pregnant and you are probably gassy as hell. But if you and your partner are okay with it go right ahead. I recommend the shower (washes away the evidence).

8. Yes, wearing pads are akin to wearing diapers. They are big and bulky and crinkly as hell. I try not to wear them out of the house in case someone playfully slaps me on the butt. Has that ever happened? No. Doesn’t mean it couldn’t. 

9. Yes, we will leak.  If (as a man) you notice a woman has blood on her butt, be that hero and tell her. Don’t expect another woman to do it. She might not notice or she might be embarrassed to. Trust me. Save that woman the humiliation of walking around with a sign saying “I just got my period” 

10. You are still expected to perform at peak level even while your intestines are in knots, you could burst into tears at any minute and you are holding in toxic gas. You don’t get excused from work, from school (tried it) or from any previous obligations just because you are a woman having a normal womanly thing. You don’t get a break. A period is not an excuse. Slowly you learn how to cope, excelling despite pain and discomfort. 

And yes I wrote this piece because I am about to get my period. The day before Valentine’s Day. Hallelujah.