Things I'm Glad I Did vs. Things I Wish I Hadn't

2017 Thing I’m Glad I Did: Even though I did have an epic fight/ mini war with my best friend that never truly got resolved some of my favorite memories were with his family. When I stayed with them during intercession his oldest brother (who was my crush at the time) made me an entire Thanksgiving dinner complete with stuffing (I mean is it ever complete without stuffing?). Once I was on medical leave I would visit them often (this was easy considering my best friend was not on good terms with his family and had moved out). I loved getting snowed in with them. We went sledding and had an epic snowball fight. There was also alot of shoveling.

2017 Thing I Wish I Hadn’t Done: This is embarrassing but I told my roommate (lets call her Samanta) that I didn’t want her and my best friend (the guy I had the war with. We know him as Derrick) to be friends. I have always seen friendships as rivalries. What if he liked Samantha better than me? What if they let me out? I couldn’t have that. So I nipped it in the bud telling Samantha she couldn’t be friends with Derrick. Derrick was really annoyed with this (understandably so). Samantha just seemed to think I was insane (which was sort of true. I had just been released from the psych ward). I was a real hypocrite in this area by the way because I could have as many friends as I wanted.

2018 Thing I’m Glad I Did: Taking time to heal. After my suicide attempt I spent a while rather shellshocked, recovering from my psychosis and the cocktail of medications the hospital put me on. I spent alot of time cutting out words from magazines. Around 8’clock I would get really tired and read until I fell asleep, usually in the recliner in the living room. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to be around other people. I didn’t talk to anyone besides a therapist. It was the loneliest feeling in the world but for a while that’s what I needed.

2018 Thing I Wish I  Hadn’t Done: Worked on my memoir. Looking back my partial therapist told me she didn’t think it was a good idea for me to write my memoir so soon after it happened, at least not outside therapy. And looking back I think she was right. These were enormously painful memories; they are sore even now. Writing these stores enabled me to live in t he past and dream in  the past. It made it very hard to move on.

2019 Thing I’m Glad I Did: Break up with my boyfriend. I don’t want to talk too much about our relationship on here but there were many reasons I broke up with —------. By the end, we made each other miserable. We were always fighting. He wanted me to go live with him but that wasn’t practical since neither of us had jobs, degrees or a means of paying rent (we both lived at home). Plus I was newly out of the hospital (for the fifth time at this point) and needed to stay close to my psychiatrist and my therapist. I had also put in so much work building a life here, one with poetry slams and new friends. I wanted to stay.

2019 Thing I Wish I Hadn’t Done: Breaking up with — the way I did. I try to treat people better than that. I know I hurt him. Even though he might have not treated me right he did not deserve that. For that I am sorry.