Things I'm Glad I Did vs. Things I Wish I Hadn't Done Part 4

2020: Things I’m Glad I Have Done: Didn’t isolate myself. One of my close family members was sick with cancer so I couldn’t physically leave my house during Covid. But I kept up with online writing groups even online poetry slams (though of course none of this measured to the real thing and I was very lonely during this time. I also stopped doing online stuff the minute quarantine lifted and my family member went into remission).

2020 Thing I Wish I Hadn’t Done: There was a girl in our group who I initially did not get along with very well. There was nothing wrong with her, our personalities just didn’t mesh at first and me and another girl talked about her behind her back which I’m really ashamed of. I could make some excuse like I was going through a lot and I was angry but thats a pathetic excuse. The truth is there is no excuse. She knew it too. She confronted me saying “You and —- were talking about me right?” I could have just denied it but I felt she deserved the truth so I gave her the truth and a full apology. After that things changed between us. She even came to a party at my house once quarantine lifted.

2021 Thing I’m Glad I’ve Done: Taken time to grieve. As soon as the pandemic ended, my Aunt Rosemary passed away. She left behind a husband and four children under eighteen not to mention siblings (my dad was her oldest brother, she was his baby sister. He gave the eulogy) and a bunch of nieces and nephews. In the days leading up to her passing I would hold her hand and talk to her even though she was frequently unconscious. I didn’t even want to eat. I just wanted to comfort her, only getting up so my uncle or my dad could take their turns. After she was gone I felt lost. We didn’t visit anymore and in the evenings I felt empty. Around about five I’d usually start crying which was hard because I didn’t give permission to grieve.

2021 Thing I Wish I Haven’t Done: Punish myself for grieving. After my aunt died, I refused to my psychiatrist that I was grieving. I said I must be entering another depressive episode; he argued and said I was just entering the normal grieving process. The thing is my family adapted so well. I didn’t see anyone visibly grieving after the funeral so I wondered why everyone was handling it better than I was. The thing is we all grieve in different ways. No one way is necessarily “better” than other.

2022 Thing I’m Glad I’ve Done: Introducing….Justin! When I made a Bumble I talked wth a few different guys but I didn’t really have interest in pursuing any of them and the ones I thought I might like never got back to me. Until I met Justin. I noticed he liked movies. So I asked him (this was back when on Bumble the girl initiates conversation and interest) “What is your favorite horror movie?” He didn’t tell me back then that he hated horror movies but still this would be the same guy who would sit through Smile with me, one of the scariest horror movies we’ve both ever seen. Our first date was dinner and a movie. We had dinner after the movie so we would have something to talk about in case our personal lives were boring. Turns out they weren’t and here (three and a half years later) we are.

2022 Thing I Wish I Hadn’t Done: I didn’t do this on purpose but I wish we weren’t on a family vacation when my family cat died. Her name was Susie and to this day when I talk about her I get choked up. She was the sweetest, gentlest cat (besides her brother). She was playful and friendly, always coming up to my friends when they came over. I wish I had been with her when she passed. I hoped she wasn’t scared. I hope it was painless.I will always miss her.