Things that Get in the Way of Growth

Credit to @nedratawwab (Instagram handle)

• Jealousy

I will admit upfront I’m a jealous person. I don’t mind sharing the spotlight but if “neglected” I will feel hostile and insecure like no one cares about me. My boyfriend knows I’m jealous and doesn’t comment on other girls bodies (though I sometimes do. Favorably of course).

• Comparing yourself to others

I do this alot with other girls. Their poetry skills, their breast size, how many other friends they have. I‘ve gotten much better at appreciating myself and what I bring to the table and I always try to promote confidence

• Self-pity

I’m not really the self-pity type. I am blessed. Blessed for getting a good college experience, blessed for surviving a suicide attempt, for meeting an amazing guy on a dating app. I am blessed. Sometimes I wallow (if I am hospitalized or something sucky happens like covid on Christmas). But at the end of the day self-pity helps no one and is extremely unattractive.

• Not wanting to ask others for help

You need help. Everyone needs help. That is why my mania escalated. I kept it from my teachers, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my parents, my boyfriend, my friends. I did not let anyone know how far gone I was because I knew something was not right and was scared I needed to be hospitalized.

• Talking to people who don’t know how to help you

I have found such a strong support system. Recently I’ve discovered friends that share several of my parties. For the first time in a while I feel like people understand my past traumas and my current disorders. Looking forward to our sleepovers.

• Not being honest with yourself about changes you need to make

I needed to sober up. It took most of my teenage years to realize I was relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism and that I was literally poisoning myself to the point I tore my chest and started vomiting blood. Later I was diagnosed as bipolar and I realized I had been self-medicating the entire time.

• Pride/ ego

I’m not really an egotistical person (though sometimes I stumble over my own hubris like I’m living in Ancient Greece). I am not the best writer. I accept that. But I know I’m a pretty good one.

• Not learning from past mistakes 

I saw my ex the other night. Not repeating past mistakes. Not even want to (although the whole thing was a little weird, not going to lie). This time I dated someone to treat me right. And I couldn’t be happier.