Today is shaping up to be one of those nights. My whole life I’ve been battling those nights. I don’t know if its the depression (part of the bipolar). It peaks when my OCD is bad. But my OCD is fine tonight. Still it’s one of those nights. I would say the darkness definitely contributes. It doesn’t get bad during the daylight. When its mild it’s a case of the blues. When its at its worse I call my psychiatrist convinced I’ll be committed. Thankfully I’m usually wrong. It doesn’t make it any easier to get through it though.
When I was a late teenager I got through them by drinking every night until I was vomiting or passed out. When I began my sobriety journey I was unprepared for how difficult nights would be. This was when I started hearing voices, and having paranoid episodes where I would think people on campus were out to hurt me. My then boyfriend had gotten me a Winnie the Pooh stuffie and I clung to it most nights in tears. I don’t know what was worse- weeknights or weekends. Both were so difficult. It led to my first hospital stay but back then we thought I had major depressive disorder. We had no idea as to the path ahead.
Even now these nights trouble me. I know they will end and I get so relieved when sunlight graces my eye. They are rare now- much more rare. I hardly ever get two in a row. If a pattern starts to develop I know who to call. It is still hard to endure though. Because I know that even though I know I’ve traveled far…I could always go back.
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