What I Want

1. I want this stupid OCD to sit the fuck down. Over the last few weeks even though the Prozac was raised the OCD got worse. My doctor tells me that the weather/ seasons/ change in light can affect bipolar but he never mentioned anything  about OCD. I know for a fact it gets worse around Christmas and sometimes in the summer but it’s only May. I hope it doesn’t get worse because I don’t know if it can get worse. Earlier in the year if I went for a month without checking my mom would give me a prize. But I’m checking multiple times a day. Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

2. I want to read 100 books this year. But I have not had a very strong start, averaging about 5-7 books per month. I do read alot but I’m spread thin over several books- two books for book club, one book with Mom, an audio book, an eating book (a book I read exclusively while I’m eating), a bedtime book and then maybe three or four more daytime books. So yes, I do not exaggerate. So I’m just gonna say 50 books this year and call it a day. 

3. I want to be an expert at something. I’m learning sign language but I want to learn something else like disabilities- physical and mental. I’ve been interested in that since I took an “Exceptional Lives” class in freshmen year of college about working with children of all different physical and mental conditions. I want to also learn more about other psychiatric conditions since I would like to broaden my horizons, especially on my blog.

4. I want a bathing suit. I tried on some a few weeks ago and my thighs looked huge. My breasts looked like you were trying to smuggle melons with nipples. I want a one piece but everything is a bikini now. Even the tankini’s were hard because I’m much heavier on top than on bottom even now. If I don’t  find one by Cape Cod I’m just gonna swim in my clothes.

5. I want to fall asleep every night the way I fall asleep now- surrounded by Winnie the Pooh stuffies bought at Cracker Barrel, clutching my soft blankie, knowing people love me and I am safe.