A Word About Diagnosis

I collect diagnoses like Monopoly properties, like Pokemon cards. I display them on my heart so everyone can see them, feel them, know them. The bottom line is I’m too complex to be another bipolar/OCD/ flavor of the week. I’m more than that. but it’s getting so I can’t separate myself from these illnesses. Who am I? What is my medication and is it impairing my personality? Who is the true Leigh Winters? Does she bleed just like everyone else? And our hospitals are crowded with people who feel the same way. Unable to recognize themselves through symptoms, medications, and side effects. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a writer or someone who has been through an extraordinary amount of pain.

               It started when I was eight. Fixed obsessions, crying myself to sleep at night, living at the nurse’s office. I was in therapy and medicated at 11 and the rest is a very long story. Nonetheless, I would say my life has been a happy one. These dark moments only serve to make the happy ones more memorable, enabled me to feel more lucky. I believe in God. I believe he gave me these trials because he wanted to make me stronger. I never expected to be this strong but I’ve turned myself into a heavyweight boxing champion. I do it through gratitude, faith, and a pragmatic approach (“what can I do to make this situation better?”).

My biggest lesson in therapy (DBT- dialectical behavioral therapy) was radical acceptance. To accept without condoning or forgiving, merely acknowledging something happened instead of spending your time railing against it. It has helped me accept some very painful truths- like the fact that I will never have a child-but it definitely requires patience and maintenance.

Whatever diagnosis lie in store for me in the future, I know it will never contain the essence that is Leigh. She is more than a label, more than a simple word. She is not limited. She is The Girl That Flies. So if you think you know me from my diagnosis, my medication, as many doctors seem to think you would be wrong. I am so much more.