Be a Survivor, Not a Statistic: Tips for Handling Sexual Assault

I was fourteen when I realized my instincts were right. But it was too late by then. I had already been the victim of a brief but life-altering sexual assault. When I got to college I was shocked to find my best friend had been the victim of child sexual abuse. He (yes this happens to men too) was raped by his parents and brothers until CPS got involved. I was later the victim of date rape from someone I thought I loved. On the hospital wing, almost every female had been molested, many by brothers and fathers. It’s not an anomaly. It’s rape.

Ten Ways to Handle Yourself Should You Be the Subject of Sexual Assault

1)     Tell somebody. Write it on a scrap of paper and throw it into the river to get it off your chest. Call a hotline. Just tell somebody. A trauma like that cannot be contained. It is a wound to your soul that must be treated. If you don’t have family or friends who you feel comfortable telling, work it out so that one way it is not stuck inside you eating you alive.

2)     Express your pain. I have noticed at the poetry slams I frequent that there is usually one person who does a poem about assault or abuse. They share their pain with their words and it lessens their load. If poetry isn’t for you, try painting, collaging, singing, anything creative that might either distract you or allow you to channel your pain. You can’t turn back time. But you can use the seeds of something horrific to help create something beautiful.

3)     Decide what you want to do. If you want to fire a police report, do so as soon as possible (before you take a shower or get cleaned up). If you want to prosecute bear in mind it will not be an easy journey. He is on trial but so are you and so is what you were wearing and your entire sexual history. The defense attorney won’t take it easy on you, that’s not what he’s paid to do. He is paid to make you look like a liar and/or a slut. He is paid to paint you in a bad light. He will go through any and every means to do this. To this day I feel somewhat guilty because I never took my assailant to court. Not that I would win. I was a flirt with breasts that squeezed their way out of every top I wore. I was in the guidance counselor for emotional problems including OCD, depression and family problems. Could I have saved another girl from the same fate? Maybe. In the end I didn’t take the chance.

4)     Not everyone will believe you and justice is not always served. One day when I was playing cards in the hospital with my two friends, Lynn and Alice, Law and Order SVU came on the TV. Alice seemed paralyzed. Lynn went for a staff member to get the remote as Alice confided in me. She had been walking to school when she was raped. The police had interrogated her as though she was the one who was the suspect. In the hospital, they performed a rape kit. She said it sounded like a thousand Q-tips. She said it was humiliating and they wouldn’t let her change her clothes which were wet from the rain. Last I heard from Alice she was drunk, involved in a hit and run. Alice never recovered from her rape. But it is possible.  

5)     Know your triggers. Yes triggers are a real thing, not just something social justice warriors use if they are offended by a certain word. For me, my trigger is having someone sneak up on me from behind. There was a lecherous boy that was always making boob comments to me. One day he threw his arms around  me in a hug from behind. I was attacked the same way so I threw up my arm and punched him right in the face, giving him a bloody nose. And I don’t apologize for that. Actually I’m still angry about that. You don’t go sneaking up on people. What the fuck is wrong with you?

6)     Rape can happen in relationships too. The way I see it anytime there is lack of consent (or the person is unable to consent) or there is the presence of coercion, that is sexual assault. Doesn’t matter if you met five minutes ago or been married twenty years. Doesn’t matter if there are apologies, flowers, chocolates, puppies after. You know your body and you must grant permission for anyone else to touch you. . If the two of you are into rape roleplay it  is imperative you work out a safe word ahead of time that both of you must listen to. This goes with any kind of sex play.

7)     There is no timeline to recovery. Recovery from an assault requires a lot of resilience. If you find you are not getting better (ex. pushing your bookcase in front of the door every night to barricade yourself in) try counseling. It is not admitting defeat. It is not letting the rapist “win” It is getting yourself better. And you have to believe you will get better.

8)     Join a support group. You are not alone. In these groups you will learn how other women and men have dealt with their pain. You will see cautionary tales in some people and role models in others. Your friends or partner might be great but they might not understand. They might begin to wonder “Is she not over it already?” That’s because they don’t know. And you need to find people who do know which you can by joining a group. You might even make a new friend.

9)     Help others. The more you heal, the more you want to give back. Maybe give self defense classes. Or share your story. Or educate younger students about ways they can protect themselves. Or even listen to others who need to find somebody who knows what they are going through.

10)  Explore faith. When something traumatic happens, there are two types of people: those who turn away from God and those that seek comfort in him. In my life I have done both. I have shunned God when my world was shattered. How could he let that happen to me? Wasn’t I a lamb? Wasn’t he supposed to protect me? And my friend? He was an innocent child! I thought Jesus loved the children. When the anger left me, I felt confused and exhausted. I wandered, lost, through a haze of alcohol and hookups with boys that knew me as “Jugs”. After a failed suicide attempt, I knew things had to change. And one of those things was my attitude to God. I don’t always follow his words (boys, in particular, are a weakness for me). But he took the searing cut, that had been leaking blood into my heart all these years. He kissed it and told me “You’re strong. You’ll be all right”