Blame Game (Vein of Gold)

                                                     Blame Game, Round One- Events

• If I wasn’t on medication, I would be skinnier

Solution Within My Control: I will give up having seconds, desserts, appetizers and calorie dense foods. Instead I will eat more salad, grilled chicken, fish (this includes sushi!), eggs and oatmeal. I really want to fit into my beautiful red thrifted birthday dress.

• If I hadn’t been SA’d I would be more trusting and less cynical

Solution Within My Control: This is actually a problem I’ve already solved. I went to trauma therapy and worked through my traumas through a combination of talk therapy and yoga. Since then the nightmares and flashbacks have stopped (or at least decreased) and I am able to fully give myself to my amazing wonderful boyfriend.

• If I haven’t tried to kill myself because of my bipolar disorder I could have finished college and gotten a job in my desired field

Solution Within My Control: Even though it is not the career I planned, I found a paying job I did not need a college degree for AND I could help people.

• If I had graduated college I would be able to spend more time with my college friends and have more experiences with them

Solution Within My Control: I am still in touch with my closest friends from college but we aren’t close. I fantasized about my best college friend being a bridesmaid but I know now that she might not even want to be there as a guest. I put my college friends through alot and they came to my rescue again and again. It took a toll on our relationships and I never got the chance to fix it. But I did meet more friends, friends I’ve known nine years now which (according to my best friends) means they are lifers. And I’m blessed to have them.

• If my best friend hadn’t abandoned me, I wouldn’t have so much emotional baggage

Solution Within My Control: Move on. Forget him. I came across a quote that said something like “The person that taught me the most taught me that I don’t need anybody” The solution is simple: independence. And since I’ve sprouted independence it doesn’t hurt anymore.

• If I wasn’t bipolar I wouldn’t have to worry about things like mania and depression

Solution Within My Control: Learn the warning signs. The sleepless nights. The irritability and  yes the hypersexuality. And when I suspect I may be manic I will alert my psychiatrist so he can make the appropriate med changes. Don’t hide the depression no matter how severe it may get because I am worried about being sent back to the hospital. Be upfront and honest about how I feel.

• If I didn’t have anxiety I’d be better at my job

Solution Within my Control: I need to work on reframing my anxieties. I am terrified of making a mistake and that is just not realistic. Mistakes happen. My boss understands. It’s time I do too. 

I was nervous to go to work but I did, my Scout necklace dangling from my throat reminding me of the support of my book club friends and the two kitties who loved me. I was having a good day and I was directing residents into the bingo room for a big meeting. I was talking to one of my favorite residents who has always gone out of her way to make me feel like I am good at my job. Then suddenly her eyes rolled back in her head, then closed and she began to fall. I swiftly grabbed her and lowered her into a nearby chair. I made sure she was conscious before I ran to get help. I’m not trying to paint myself as a hero but I’m so glad I was there. The power of my Scout necklace strikes again.