Changes

Ways I Have Changed:

1)       My body dysmorphia has been so much better. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors boobs. Especially when your own are DD. I can wear black T-shirts (since black slimmed my boobs I wouldn’t wear them) again especially the slightly small ones that stretch over my boobs. I don’t agonize over casual outfits the way I used to. Whatever I pull out of the drawer/ closet is next.

2)       My OCD is better. After living with something my whole life I’ve figured out a way of well, outsmarting it. Unfortunately, you can’t do that with things like cancer. But OCD is vulnerable to exposure therapy, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and a bunch of other therapies. One weird tactic I noticed is that if I worry about multiple things it decreases it’s power. If  you ask me a discovery like this earns the Nobel Prize.

3)       I’m not jealous. Well, sometimes I get jealous. But in the past I’d get jealous if a) I wasn’t the center of attention b) someone appears to like someone (or something) more than me c) any dumb reason. But as I learned to manage my borderline personality disorder. I realized it didn’t need to be all about me.

4)       I got rid of my abandonment complex. I bult up an abandonment complex as early as 1st grade when my best friend made other friends  and I couldn’t and it was the most painful thing. Everyone I clung to just wanted to get away from me. It took years but I finally realized the clinginess was the problem and even then the abandonment complex was cemented. It wasn’t until I underwent a partial hospitalization that I realized I had one and that’s why none of my relationships were working.. DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) really helped me.

5)       I learned to wait for sex. Initially I waited until I was eighteen before losing my virginity on my anniversary. But after that I was less choosy, especially when alcohol was concerned. Since I sobered up I’m more discerning. It took me a while to sleep with my current boyfriend but he understands. He also understands that my manic episodes make me hypersexual. So now I try to value sex. It’s fun but it’s also supposed to mean something.

6)       Obviously  my sobriety is a big part of my change. Alcohol and bipolar disorder really don’t mix although it may seem like a good coping mechanism. It’s dangerous to mix meds and alcohol too. I accidentally did that once and then puked all over a bar. I’m a cautionary tale.