Emotional Whiplash

A common misconception is that if you are bipolar your moods change on a dime.  That you can be sunny one minute and stormy the next.  But bipolar episodes (the mania and depression) definitely last longer than a couple of seconds.  And they don't always appear so suddenly either.  It's more like a bad guy creeping up on you in a horror movie. But sometimes only the audience can see it. 

I had a great weekend. I went to Justin’s house and we curled up with his dogs watching shark week movies like Devils Mouth and Deep Blue Sea.  Saturday we worked door for the poetry organization I belong to and saw new talent. Then Monday I hung out with one of my closest friends and we went around the county hunting down pens (we also split some challah bread at the local bakery)

Things changed Monday night. I started feeling scared which used to happen alot but after trauma therapy I mostly outgrew it.  I started feeling like something bad would happen and then something weird occured and I began to contemplate my own mortality. I have always been comforted by my faith. For someone who barely goes to church, I have unwavering belief in the Lord. I know there is a God. He saved me from a terrible fate and since then my life has become more wonderful than I dreamed possible. 

But Monday night none of that mattered. Monday night I was wondering what would happen after we died. More than that, I wondered if there was a God. I began to sob. I cried until I had a migraine and still tears poured down my face. Something was very wrong and I couldn’t pinpoint what. The next day I happened to have a meeting with a psychiatrist. He was concerned when I told him about crying myself to sleep. I have a mood disorder but that is still very unlike me. I almost started crying again when I told him how I felt like I was failing at everything and letting everybody down. He gave me homework, the first time he’s done so. I’m supposed to write down three accomplishments every day, It’s the kind of self-care I usually love.

There are some ways I can tell I am entering a depressed episode. A neon sign is feeling bad about myself. I told Justin that after one crosses a line against oneself (whether that is just once or, in my case, three times) you become much more wary when you encounter thoughts against yourself. If you crossed that line once, what is to stop you from crossing it again? Let’s be clear I am in no danger of any self-harming. I am in a safe place with parents and professionals I trust and if I feel I am in danger I will get help. But I am definitely not myself. I just hope I start feeling better.