Feeling Journal
Date: 3/2/2020
I feel so lonely at night. I feel lonely tonight. The only people that talk to me are those I could never have a relationship with. I miss —---. I hate feeling like this like I’m dependent on another person. I miss him so fucking much. Cuddling in his loft, have a TV marathon downstairs, going to hookah. Fucking hookah. It was our thing and I was convinced we would be together forever. He loved me but he didn’t know how. I was like a butterfly and he squeezed me too hard. Now my wings are broken. I feel broken. I don’t trust love anymore. Who will hold me close, tickle me, make me laugh? Who will support me at all my poetry slams? Who can I discuss well, everything with? Who will hold me as I cry? Who will be mine? I know this entry kind of sucks but I’m crying so hard as I write this. I’m scared to even start something with somebody new. It won’t be him. My —---. Why did he have to change? Why did he have to do this to me? I would have loved him forever. I would have been loyal. He thinks I broke his heart. Ha! He broke mine. He smashed it, obliterated it and set it on fire. And I cannot recover.
Obviously, I did recover. Somewhat. There was always some part of me that would be utterly betrayed by the monster my ex boyfriend would become and the things he did to me. But I have found true love. And this time its with a man who would never violate me or gaslight me or guiltrip me. I have been so fortunate. I haven’t gotten that lonely feeling in a while.
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