Feelings Journal Friday Part 2

Feeling Satisfied 

11/4/2018

It was a very satisfying weekend. Last night I made 2nd place at a poetry slam. I have so many projects and I can literally see my writing evolving, expanding. I don’t want to be conceited but I’m so proud of my writing. I never gave much thought to making a career out of writing (other than when I was a kid). Now that I am preparing to take classes in writing, I think I might be able to support myself doing writing jobs. My life is very satisfying in other ways too. My relationship with —------- is very fulfilling. I never had a relationship like this (and yes I know I’ve said that about other relationships) where the love is so deep and endured so much. Mental illness can either break or strengthen a relationship and in this case our bonds have solidified. I’ve met people who suffer from mental illness whose partners don’t even believe in mental illness. I have no idea how friends could stay with them. I am satisfied with my social life. I have friends from two writing groups. They came ot my birthday party. I’m so satisfied because (please don’t jinx this) the voices are gone and the mania is gone. I can be satisfied tomorrow it I keep honing my craft or go out with friends or stay up all night talking with —-----. My life isn’t perfect but I am actually in a really good place mentally. And after poor mental health I really appreciate it.

 Feeling Quiet

1/26/2020 

I had a long day. I was at —-----’s house from 2-6 listening to the band practice and before that —---- and I had a little fun of our own. While the band practiced I wrote two songs and three essays. Then we ordered pizza with ranch dressing right before we left. In the car I felt so sick I asked —--- to take me home.  He did and I threw up so much. Now I’m journaling while Mom and Dad  play Scrabble. My book just came out on Thursday.  I wanted the emotion “pensive” to be honest but I didn’t see it. I felt quiet even though I’m carrying on like ten conversations on my phone. But my soul feels quiet. I have just accomplished a dream I had since I was four.  You can go on  Amazon and buy my book. I have a book. This might change everything. I am considering going to Suny Purchase to pursue writing. I don’t know. My life is complicated. It is was just me and —------ being friends with benefits that would be simple. And —----- and I agreed no more makeouts so that’s resolved. But —---. —--throws a wrench in the works. They are transgender (which I don’t care about but my parents would) and they are polyamorous. So I have to share. Should i get out before I get invested? Although I already am. I don’t know. I guess I’ll be quiet and see if the answers come to me.

Feeling Blessed

1/26/2019

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I have alot to be thankful for. First of all it is the most wonderful time of the year. I’m trying to look on the bright side because yesterday I was a crying mess after going to bed.------- was comforting me saying this is why he doesn’t get into relationships. It made me feel better but also worse. He even gave me —------’s number saying “girls like me” should have options.  I guess he really doesn’t get jealous. So I’m blessed to be “dating” casually such an awesome guy. I’m blessed because it looks like my book is finally becoming a reality. I’m blessed to have a family I love and understand me. It’s too bad Suzannne didn’t come for Thanksgiving yesterday. I just want to make sure she was doing okay. Uncle Michael was there and he looked great. I know the holidays are going to be hard. Last night was my first night listening to Christmas music and I just hurt so much it felt like I was being ripped open.  I guess this is what we call grieving. And we must do it no matter who we leave or how they leave us.