Hard Decisions I Made:

• breaking it off with my ex. Even though the relationship was extremely unhealthy, I didn't see it at the time. I spent months after the breakup second guessing myself, feeling angry and guilty. I truly did not think I could feel love again and I didn't date for years.

• quitting teaching religion. I used to teach third-graders religion. It was very hard because I was given a textbook and nothing else. I had never taught anything to anyone before and now I had 15 nine-year-olds in front of me. I had no way of disciplining them: there was no "principal's office" and there was no after school detention. I eventually started bribing my students with stickers which worked temporarily. Finally, I started getting panic attacks in class which is not unusual for me. In one panic attack, I ran away. I actually ran home (the church is close to my house) and I never came back.

• quitting any of my jobs. I've quit three of my jobs: AC Moore, Charlotte Russe and my local library. I was a very hard worker and I was a stellar employee. I liked work and the independence that came with it. But a few months in the anxiety and panic attacks would start and I would have to quit. I would have panic attacks the night before my shifts because I was so scared of going back to work.

• returning to school after medical leave. I took medical leave after two hospitalizations. My parents and therapist thought I could handle going back. I wasn't so sure. But I was so excited to go back I didn't care. I guess I just expected everything to be like it was. But people had changed. There were new friends in the group, inside jokes I didn't know, new routines. I had lost out when I was on medical leave. I think that was a driving factor in my suicide attempt.

• the morning after pill. I have only taken the morning after pill once. I had a Tinder date the first year of college and he got a little too...enthusiastic. We didn't have actual sex, it wasn't an assault but I thought (part OCD, part practicality) that I might have gotten pregnant. It was a big decision, taking the morning after pill. I wasn't sure if it counted as an abortion and I didn't want to think too much about it.

• staying in the Drowsy Chaperone. My senior year of high school I landed a lead role in the school play. But the director and the cast made it a living hell. I was teased for my appearance (one kid actually asked if I was going through "gender reassignment surgery") by the cast and the director, who asked why I was walking like Jessica Rabbit. It was very hard to perform up to par but I didn't want to quit. I got a rose at the end because I was a senior but as my mom drove me home while everyone else went to the cast party I tore all the petals off of it and raged at the world

• no more drinking. I don't drink for my health. At all. I like the feeling of being clear-headed. Alcohol was (literally and figuratively) intoxicating. I would drink to chase away the bad feelings, the ones that I was self-medicating. Now I manage the pain with actual medicine. If we figured out I was bipolar earlier, I might not have fallen into alcohol addiction but at least we found out eventually. My sobriety date is July 4. This summer will be eight years.

• reaching out for help. When I was a sophomore, I fell into a depression where I was fixated on suicide. I excused myself from class and went back into my room where I started counting pills and wrote a suicide note. In the end I changed my mind and called my friends parents. I was admitted to the psych ward the next day and I am so glad I did not go through with that overdose (although I would attempt less than a year later)

• it was a hard decision to forgive my roommate but I finally have done it. My roommate backstabbed me and tried to turn people against me. But I forgive her because I know that I was a very difficult and maybe even a toxic roommate. I did not try to hurt her. I did not want to hurt her. But I think maybe I did because I was up late hearing voices, or crying, or moving my legs like a bicycle because my meds gave me akathisia. For Christmas she made me the most beautiful Winnie the Pooh poster for Secret Santa. It's on my wall right now. I liked to believe maybe she was just messed up like I was, and not a bad person.

• not giving my number to "Channing Tatum". A few days before I met my boyfriend for the first time, I went to a bar because it was my friend's birthday party. But I didn't really know anyone so I sat down at the bar next to a guy who vaguely resembled Channing Tatum. That is to say he was handsome but much older than me. We got to talking and he invited me over to his place. I said no because it felt so weird when I was already talking to this other guy (even though I hadn't met him in person yet). And also because my parents were coming to pick me up.