I Mean, You Didn't Say No

With all this news about the Cornell 7 (a group of boys accused, but not convicted, of gangraping an intoxicated and drugged girl) consent is once again in the news. I’m not going to go into the details of the case even though it seems most people have made up their minds before they were even given a fair trial. Personally, I think alot of it has to do the fraternity/ sorority culture on college campuses in this country. My school, University of Scranton, never had an atmosphere like that (where girls were literally snorting ketamine off of guy’s members). I went to fun parties but I always felt safe and they never got out of hand. Eliminating the Greek system on college campuses would really help eliminate situations like this. But being part of a toxic system does not give you a free pass to behave without consequences. If they were guilty. As of yet we don’t know if they are. 

I found a video on Instagram posted by femalequotient and weridetogether.today. It was an analogy about a woman  having soup deliberately spilled on her by a server who fixes her with a cold look before saying “I mean you didn’t say no” When the customer (now with an obvious stain) complains to the manager she doesn’t seem to believe her before asking her three questions: did she say no, did anyone else see this and can she prove it was Tanya before saying it’s Tanya’s reputation on the line. Obviously these are questions sexually assault victims are asked all the time. And unfortunately, they have to be because we can’t arrest everybody who is accused of SA. The manager said people make stuff up but that was supposed to sound ridiculous. However, people do indeed make stuff up whether out of spite or shame or even to get money. Look at the Duke Lacrosse case.

However, my heart does go out to the victims. The true victims who say silent knowing they’ll never be believed or come forward and are labeled a slut and have their entire sexual history examined in the public eye. It’s true that watching other victims not be believed does make it more difficult for a SA to go to the police or the ER. When I was fourteen, an older student assaulted me in the high school auditorium. It took several months until I finally told an adult. There were many reasons for this but the biggest one was that I felt I deserved it in some way and there was no way anybody was going to believe me. The first one was in no way true. The second one we'll never know. I remember what I wore that day. I was wearing silver leggings that I refer to as “tissue paper thin” because they were so tight. Some girls crucify themselves for wearing short skirts. This was my sin. My shirt was lowcut detailed with a pearl neckline. It exposed the top of my breasts. I felt beautiful. I felt safe prior to the assault. But I was not.

After the assault I should have told my parents. But I was so confused. My assailant had touched my clit and this had made me feel good. I had never masturbated before this happened to me and it was like lightning was going through me. If this was wrong why did it feel good? By the time I figured out what happened it was in my rearview mirror and I was too scared to go back and confront it in case someone asked “Why didn’t you say something at the time?”

I don’t know what happened in that frat house to that girl. Likely everybody was acting stupid and got carried away. Now two boys were expelled, others suspended. This is not getting off easy. Not all boys were found guilty yet vigilante justice has started sweeping the internet calling for things like cutting their penises off or “hung by their dicks in public and skinned alive” or put down like dogs. Which is kind  of disgusting because none of the men have been charged yet and at least one man wasn’t even there. I’m also not saying the men are models of moral behavior. I could never date a man like this. I feel as though this tends to happen alot in Greek chapters. This case basks in shades of gray: alcohol, drugs, consent, regret. Get the law involved and then the internet and it gets a hella more complicated. This is Leigh Winters and I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime I would encourage you not to assume anything. And victims? If you are out there? I’m so so sorry.