Interview with Olivia, Peer Specialist and Fighter Part 1

I’ve met a lot of people in my therapy journey. No two people are the same. Everyone comes with their challenges, their struggles, their own battles. I left most of them behind. But there is one brave soul I have kept in contact with, Her name is Olivia and this is her story.

“Diagnostically I started struggling with Major Depressive Disorder in elementary school. Unknown to all, unfortunately. There'd be these supposedly wonderful things in my childhood, like a big Christmas or a trip to Disney World, and I would just be overcome with inexplicable sadness. But how was I supposed to know that wasn't normal? Flash forward to my early teens when I began self-harming and developed a serious eating disorder. I kept this all hidden until I was 20. At that point I didn't ask for help (my years of secrecy stemmed from the fear of getting in trouble...thanks to Catholicism), I scared a roommate so bad she called my mom.

So the summer before my junior year of college I entered a partial hospitalization program for women with eating disorders. It was the first time I ever sat in front of a psychiatrist. Over the next seven weeks I would be diagnosed not only with Major Depressive Disorder, but with Bipolar Disorder as well. I got to a better point in the year that followed but by fall of my senior year things were as bad as ever...now with the addition of alcoholism.

 I returned to eating disorder treatment and told absolutely no one how much I was drinking. I somehow graduated college in May of 2017. That summer I was committed for the first time for self-harm. It wouldn't be the only time that year, either. By 2018 I had moved back in with my parents, my alcoholism was out of control, and all my old issues were rearing their ugly heads. November 2018 was when I voluntarily admitted myself to my first rehab. Between then and April 2023 I bounced between psych wards and dual diagnosis, mental health, and substance abuse inpatient treatment centers.

 I left my last one on April 7th 2023, and have not been inpatient since. I didn't magically heal, but I got fucking tired of being a hopeless psych patient, so I did just enough to convince my family and mental health team that I was stable. Many amazing things have happened in the last year, but the whole "pretending to be stable" wave is what I've been riding pretty steadily. Some cracks are starting to show, but I'm holding my ground. I was also recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I despise it with all my heart because of the ridiculous stigma attached to it. I am also a sexual assault survivor, victim advocate, and certified peer support specialist”

Believing she was worth being helped was always her biggest struggle. “I always struggled socially as a kid/teen, and didn't fit in with my huge passe of Italian cousins. From a young age I was convinced I was less than, sub-par, unlikeable. When I was physically assaulted at 16, a whole police force told me they didn't believe me, that I was wasting their time and resources. They said they'd prove I was lying and arrest me in front of my parents. That sticks with you. So when it came time to get treatment, I didn't understand how I was even worth using my parents' hard-earned insurance. Then for years I told myself mental health professionals only gave me the time of day because they were receiving a paycheck. But the biggest hurdle was ME not believing I was worth anyone's time, kindness, or help. And even if I let myself be helped, who says I deserve a happy life? Why don't I deserve to be miserable? I still struggle with this majorly, but it has gotten a lot better”

  I met Olivia in a mental institution. It wasn’t either of our first time’s at the rodeo. “In the beginning I learned it was okay not to be able to take care of yourself for a little while. That it was okay if your mental health made you need acute care. If you are going to undergo a major medication change, psych institutions are the safest place to do so. Also I just think it's kind of cool that there are laws in place meant to protect the lives and well-being of those in mental crisis. Of course that only goes so far. The quality of said institutions vary to such a degree that I've had my life changed significantly (positively) in some places, but have been treated like defective livestock in others. If you have the luxury of knowing you need psychiatric hospitalization AHEAD of admittance, do your research!!!!!! Some cons definitely include overcrowding, short staffage, cookie cutter approaches to diagnoses, and not being treated with dignity. But don't fear, there are plenty of great inpatient options out there, so if you need it, seek it” Olivia said.

“I had such big plans for myself. A PhD, a whole shelf of self-authored bestsellers, and a sturdy foothold in the philanthropic community. But since my college graduation it's like I've aged backwards. As did my ability to achieve much of anything. I just turned 29. So no, I'm not old by a long shot. But the list of things I feel I should have accomplished by now? That list is a solid decade long and at that point I'll basically be 40. See how my mind works? I'm a few years out of college but in my head I'm a middle-age failure. The kids I grew up with are doctors and lawyers, have started a family or bought a house. Me? Not so much. But my dreams remain  life-size and there's still a few drops of drive left inside me”

When asked what bothered her about the mental health care system, Olivia said “There's a hundred things, but I'll focus on what's been bothering me lately. There's a gap between levels of care and for some it can be deadly. For instance, therapists and counseling practices can reject clients who they feel need more care than weekly therapy. But if that person is too stable for hospitalization and they don't have the resources to attend a partial hospitalization program, they're screwed. Too often mental health clients who are deemed "liabilities" wind up out at sea without a raft. A liability could mean you have a history of suicide attempts, and even though you're relatively okay at the moment, a therapist could be too nervous to take you on and tell you to look elsewhere. But you're not necessarily unstable so higher levels of care wouldn't be covered by insurance. Also, a MAJOR problem I've run into in the recent years is being able to find care when you have a variety of diagnoses. Here's a little something that has happened to me way too many times: I can't stay sober so I need rehab. But a strictly substance abuse rehab won't take me because my mental health issues are too severe. Or I'll find a dual diagnosis treatment center that'll take me, but if my eating disorder starts acting up, they won't be equipped to deal with it. BUT the vast majority of eating disorder treatment centers will NOT work with you if you have an active substance abuse problem. It's a vicious, dehumanizing cycle that makes me feel like an unwanted leper who is beyond repair.”

Come back tomorrow for the rest of Olivia’s story.