Interview with Olivia, Peer Specialist and Fighter Part 2

Yesterday I introduced you to Olivia, my friend and courageous fighter. Today I will talk about one of her greatest struggles: her addiction to alcohol.

“I will keep it simple: I am an alcoholic. It is my belief, and the belief of many others in my shoes, that I was born an alcoholic. I did not start abusing alcohol until I was 21, however, but I quickly made up for lost time. By 23 I had a criminal record, by 24 I was on hard drugs, by 25 I was homeless, and by 26 I had major medical problems. I have been in and out of rehab for years, but God willing I left my last treatment center in April of 2023 at 28. Drugs and alcohol open a portal to an underworld way too many innocent people remain trapped in. If you even suspect you have a substance abuse problem, reach out to someone before the damage is irreversible. Hell, reach out to me. I'd do anything to prevent another RIP post on Facebook”

“Here's something I haven't admitted to anyone outside my close circle: I relapsed at over a year sober this February. My mental health had been on the decline for months, I couldn't find a therapist, and I had unintentionally distanced myself from AA. I got in a sick and delusional mindset that I could only start the effort to get better if I was starting over on ALL fronts. So when the cravings hit last month, the alcoholic in me convinced me that I shouldn't fight it. But I was quickly reminded how insidious this disease is. Within two days I had earned a week long hospital stay with D/Ts and a GI infection. Once you've caused serious damage to your body with alcohol, ANY amount can send you right back to the trenches. It was a huge reality check. But I immediately picked myself back up and am working a stronger program of recovery than ever. I found in NY what I could never establish in Florida: a strong knit group of sober women that I would do anything for and vice versa. It's invaluable and keeps me afloat everyday. I am determined to make these women proud, and I will stop at no length until I achieve that."

When I asked what mental health meant to her, she said “For the longest time, mental health to me meant fear. Fear that things would never get better, fear that I didn't have what it takes, fear that I was putting my family through constant Hell, fear that I wasn't worth all the effort and resources it took to keep me alive, fear that if I achieved "mental health" it wouldn't be the nirvana I bribed myself with. And I still live in fear; fear of the unknown, fear that one day I'll give up. But we have to keep fighting. Mental health takes work, just like anything else, and I think a lot of people take it for granted. For the lucky, mental health may look like simple self care and a gratitude journal, but for others mental health means constant work and a diligent daily routine monitored and assisted by at least one mental health professional. It can be exhausting and frustrating but we have to believe it's worth it. That's where I get in trouble. As someone with zero self-worth, it can be like pulling teeth to convince myself I even deserve mental health. That's the biggest battle I face, and it threatens to topple me each and every day.”

Her advice for other girls going through the same thing? “Talk about it. Advocate for yourself. Men and women each face different mental health challenges and I'm in no place to claim either journey as the more difficult one. I can only speak for females, who have a unique set of challenges laid out before them. All I know is that you can not do it alone. I tried that for years and wound up causing significantly more damage than I could have ever imagined. One question that plagues me is how would things have played out differently if I was caught cutting at 13? Starving at 14? Purging at 16? What would therapy have done if I received it years earlier? Where would I be now? Don't find yourself asking these questions in 5-10 years. You're worth the help now. Not sure where to get started? Make an intake appt with a therapist or psychiatrist. It's not a huge commitment, I promise. Don't have insurance? There are resources out there, I swear. Don't want individual attention yet? There are free support groups for almost every category of mental health problem. Again, anyone can reach out to me personally. I'd love to help you look for the right support.”

Finally, she says “I am grateful for a lot and I have to remember that. I am indescribably grateful for my parents, for without them I wouldn't have had the rare opportunity to start my life over outside the Floridian black hole I was stuck in. I am grateful for AA and the wonderful people I've met here in NY. I am grateful to have a place to live that I can afford and doesn't measure my worth by my sobriety. I am grateful for health insurance, my dog, my autonomy, my progress, I am grateful for my stuffed dinosaur, Buddy, and aromatherapy. I am grateful for my psychiatrist and all the people I have met on my journey. I am grateful that there has always been someone not willing to give up on me when I was ready to give up on myself. It is why I am still here today, and I will never forget that.