Leigh's 8 Rules of Love

I am a broad reader but I tend to read four genres: self-help, realistic fiction, memoirs and “humor” essay books like Nora Euphron and Mindy Kahling. Right now I’m reading The Eight Rules of Love by Jay Shetty. He was a former monk  and is now happily married, dishing out advice. Which inspired me to dish out some of my own. (Note: I am not a  therapist, relationship counselor, or credentialed to do this at all. These “rules” are also mere suggestions and they are not in any particular order).

Rule One: Don’t keep secrets.

I was once watching Glee where Terri Schuester’s sister is advising her to hide from her husband that she isn’t actually pregnant like she pretends. “Secrets are like food to a marriage. It will die without it” I think we all understand that this is the polar opposite of a happy marriage or any kind of relationship, at least when it comes to the big things. But what about the little things. “Small” resentments? “Dumb” worries? People keep secrets for all sorts of reasons- shame, guilt, anxiety- and they don’t realize that once they share their fears and mistakes, these feelings may diminish or even evaporate. I’ll ask you one final question: How long can you keep a secret without feeling like shit? The longer you do, the worse it gets. Secrets don’t just go away. And most people can’t keep them anyway.

Rule Two: Polyamory isn’t easy….and it’s not for everyone

Polyamory (or consensual nonmonogamy)  is really popular right now. It’s in fashion to have multiple partners- sexually and emotionally. What nobody tells you is how hard it is. It is insanely difficult to see your partner flirting with another girl without wanting to claw someone’s eyes out. Everyone sees the benefits (“I get to screw whoever I want” “I get to explore my sexuality” “I’ve had a crush on that guy for years”) but emotions get in the way. Your partner might be jealous of you, you might be jealous of your partner (either of your partners). I believe polyamory can work in theory. But that’s if communication is at its best…and it usually isn’t.

Rule Three: Have  your own lives

Even if you move in together, you still need to maintain some autonomy. In Jay Shetty’s book he talks about finding our purpose and working on that individually while supporting our partner’s purpose. Take me and my current boyfriend. He wants to direct movies and he writes screenplays. I like writing poetry and personal essays and want to write books for a living. We share some passions too like Batman movies, X-men, Legos, the news, poetry slams, trivia and Reddit. But I still hate Marvel (luckily that’s not a deal breaker for him).

Rule Four: Stand up for your significant other

I dated a guy I really liked (“loved”) whose best friend absolutely hated me (throwing up on his kitchen floor probably didn’t help). He kept trying to convince my boyfriend I was cheating on him and that I was “too trampy”. I cut off communication with the friend he said I was cheating with but I still felt resentment towards both my boyfriend and his friend. Eventually when I went away to college his friend convinced him to break up with me. It’s probably all for the best. But if your friends complain about your SO or mock them when they aren’t around, don’t be a bitch. Stand up to them.

Rule Five: You bring out the best in each other

My partner knows I like to eat. It’s a side effect of several of my medications. He also knows I really need to lose weight. So one day when we were out to breakfast I wanted to get more food after I had already cleaned my plate. “Do you really think you need that?” he said gently. This might sound rude but I had asked him to hold me accountable for how much I ate. Because of my medication I would never feel “full” but thanks to him I realized how much I had already consumed. I didn’t order any more food and left the restaurant feeling good about myself. My partner  has also stepped in on any occasion when I felt like consuming alcohol, like New Year’s Eve. I really wanted a jello shot, just to fit in with everybody else. He reminded me how far I’d come in my sobriety and that with all this medication I might get sick from having one. I didn’t have one and made both of us proud.

Rule Six: You don’t pressure each other into having sex

I’ve dated many boys who have pressured me into sex starting at a very young age. I was sexually violated before I had even been kissed so my therapist said my way of looking at sex was warped. I usually gave in to pressure and let my boyfriends do what they liked to me, even if it hurt. Sometimes I was scared, sometimes I was too tired to resist and didn’t feel like an argument. I also confused a lot of guys by sleeping with a guy when I was manic and then not wanting to do it again. Just remember: if your partner really loves  he will understand “no”. If it’s been a long time since either of you said “Yes” maybe it’s time to consider counseling of sorts.

Rule Seven: Don’t issue ultimatums.

Ultimatums lead to resentment and are usually a sign of a more serious problem. Like a woman saying her husband needs to stop texting his female coworker or she’ll leave. The ultimatum just raised the stakes. If she really feels he is going behind her back, she can have a rational conversation with him and explain her position. He can then explain his side without the ultimatum having made him defensive. Plus usually someone makes an ultimatum thinking it’ll solve their problems but then they are stuck actually following through on the ultimatum. What if the husband says he won’t stop texting his coworker? Will his wife actually leave? I try to leave ultimatums out of the equation if I can help it.

Rule Eight: Sees how your SO treats others to really give you an idea of what they are like

My mom was on a date with a guy who treated very well, taking her to dinner and being attentive to what she had to say. At the end of the date, he had to drive her home. Walking up a very large hill was a girl my mom knew. When she suggested to her date that he give the girl a ride too the guy sneered “I’m not letting that pig in my car” (the girl was a bit heavy). And instantly the man’s true colors were revealed. Thank God my mom married my dad and not him because I’m kind of heavy too lol.

Again these are mere suggestions that I’m sure you could have figured out with the basic inklings of common sense. I just figured I would bring it to your attention. If you want more, read 8 Rules of Love. He may actually know something!