Letters to Myself Part 2

I went on the same retreat next year when I was sixteen years old. Here is the letter I wrote to myself that I received a year later.

Dear Leigh,

It feels like just yesterday that I was doing this but it’s not (obviously). It’s been another wonderful, terrifying, painful year full of delight. I’m not sure what you’re up to because I never would have expected half of the things that happened to me in the past year. But I will say a few things that I know will never changed. You are loved, unconditionally, irrevocably, completely and utterly. The upcoming months might be challenging but I think I finally learned to utilize my resources. Shooting hoops, piano, poetry, reading with Mom, Youtube videos- these are all things I can do to cope. And my friends! Gabby, Derrick, all the Nanuet crew. My school spirit where I have finally found my niche. And St. Paul’s of course- Jake, Nicole, Larissa and many new friends I made this weekend. Which brings me to my goal for the weekend. I completed it.

This year I am going to do the ultimate challenge and stop cutting/ promiscuous behavior. I’ve already stopped and I don’t think I’m going to start again. Once I was scared but I’m not anymore. I know the only thing I can control is me and I am going to do my best to be the best Leigh ever. I am going to make the next year the best year of my life! I really want to be more productive- start checking out colleges and find one that really speaks to me, start my community service project (I really need to work on that), become a leader at youth group and maybe get a job and earn some money. Bottom line is I can do anything I can set my mind to. 

So Leigh, you’re a junior now. An upperclassmen! The last two years of high school- make them count. Everyday is only as good as you make it. So take risks- join that new club or organization, hang out with someone new, ask someone out. And don’t forget how awesome you are. I know there are days when you get really down on   yourself and can’t muster up the enthusiasm. But remember all the hugs you’ve gotten this weekend and all your life. Remember all the times you made a room crack up with laughter. Remember every high five, fist bump, pound on the back and keep on going. Remember how lovable you are- just perfect the way you are. 

I can feel how I’ve grown in the last few days and with th offering I made last night I know I am done with with unhealthy relationships. I’m not a doormat,  I’m a treasure in every way (this goes for relationships as well as friendships). If someone isn’t treating you right, cut them out. —-- ir whoever will not stand in  my way. I need to focus on those who actually do love me. Look in the mirror. Seriously what do you see? Beautiful brown eyes, adoring lips with a trusting smile, the perfection anyone could ask for. I’m sixteen now. I will only be sixteen once (I tend to be a bit obvious in these letters in case you haven’t noticed). I can make it sweet. 

As you are reading this letter I imagine you are at your desk or bed iced tea containers piled high besides you. Am  I right? I usually am. Maybe you were having one of those “‘tired” days or maybe you’re about to go out and you’re super excited. Either way think back to this day, to this time. Make me proud Leigh of the future. And remember there is no way I could ever be disappointed with you if you do your best. Even when you feel like giving up the world is a wonderful place. It has so  much to offer you and you have so much to offer it. With just a smile or a snuggle you could change someone’s life. What a power that is! 

The OCD makes it hard but take a deep breath. Remember all the difficulties you have been through. You’ve come through them stronger, more resilient, wiser. Pretend I (and all the people who care about you) now have their arms around you in a supportive hug. Look at yourself the way others see you- strong,  proud, and unbroken. Sure life hits me with some fast ones now and then but think of how brave you are. Think of how much you can help the world and inspire others. Now go out there and do it. You’ve got so much ahead of you. I love you, Leigh. I hope you realize how amazing you are. I hope you are nodding your head and smiling right now (or squinting at the absolutely horrible handwriting. I’m a little sleep deprived here).

One more thing. Come back to Journey. I know you hesitated it (admit it, you did) but without a doubt it paid off in so many ways. Now you can finally put the past behind you. Its done. It’s burned! Fee free! Leap for joy! No longer a victim, the world is yours. Take it. I think this is everything I wanted to say (and I probably said too much) but I love seeing a page covered in words.Just know you’re not alone (those exact words are playing as I’m writing this). You are home.

Love forever,

Leigh Winters