Letters to Myself Part 5

Written on a Disney themed  retreat at the end of my freshman year of college.

Dear Me,

As a freshmen inn college, there’s been a lot of changes in very little time. And I guess what I learned most is that things aren’t according to my plan  but to God’s plan. Did I plan to be in the hospital? Or dating my once friend’s ex? No.  But it has happened. And I know now that it was for a reason. God wants me to focus on myself and really see my actions. Some people have said said I seem happier since I stopped drinking. And they are probably right. At least I know who I am now. Waking up with headaches with no clue where I was was hurting me so much. I just couldn’t see it. But doing “carefree” stuff doesn’t mean you are carefree. Actually I think sometimes people do stuff because they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. But I know for an actual fact I belong here at Scranton. I love each day more. I love its beauty,  I love its gentleness, I love the way it’s a home and a refuge. 

Beyond Scranton is a scary concept but one I know I will have to think about. I don’t ever want to leave here but when I do I think my place in society is helping others, particularly special ed children. So much good can be done with that. It’s hard to discern my purpose but I can tell when I do the right thing from a sense of inner peace. The right thing sometimes feels uncomfortable and scary but it never feels wrong. God created me to be a beacon of light and source of hope for others. When I  was younger and my trials began I would say “Why me? It’s not fair” I was only ten when I started dealing with this and I’ve spent almost half my life fighting. Angry at first, I rejected all the cliche sayings. At some point, I rejected God altogether. And other times I strayed so far from the past I didn’t think he’d ever want me back. But God did all this for a reason. He did this because I have a strong sense of compassion and every trial I go through makes me better able to help someone else. 

What distracts me from God’s plan? What hasn’t? I fall into cycles so much I am not quite familiar with them. Right now I would say what has distracted me most is alcohol. Not the alcohol itself but what alcohol holds for me. For me alcohol means freedom from my past and my worries and the thoughts that have held me prisoner. It started as a solution- then the solution became the problem. BUt eliminating alcohol is something I’m actually relieved to do. I’m not an alcoholic but their strength inspires me and the way they persevere. One thing that particularly resonates with me is their saying “One day at a time” It’s good to plan the future but if you stare into the entire future contemplating all you have yet to face you will become overwhelmed. So every day is it’s own journey, it’s own battle and if you fail (which everybody does) you can try again tomorrow. 

I can be too hard on myself, holding myself to a standard I wouldn’t expect anyone else to reach. You know before this weekend, before these prompts and reflections I don’t think I ever realized how similar to Ariel I am. I think if I was to emulate someone Ariel would be an important person because she is strong and she learns how to be independent. She makes some serious mistakes- she’s not perfect, like Cinderella and Snow White. She’s me, or at least she was me, a lost teenager feeling like no matter what, she didn’t belong to her world. She felt different. That theme “belonging” was the the thing I always struggled most with. And no one belongs everywhere (not even Disney princesses) but we all do belong somewhere. I have always been hesitant to lean on someone completely which is why I have so many friend groups. I feel nothing- no groups- can last forever and I’m truly terrible at sustaining most of them. But instead of counting all my friends or maintaining friendships just for the sake of having them I can develop them and get to a deeper, more personal level I think we all hope to eventually reach. 

And on a completely different note can we please have a princess with short hair? Legit short hair, not shoulder length like Rapunzel at the end of Tangled. Maybe I’m that princess- they went in a new direction with short hair, big boobs and punk fashion sense. Maybe this is my movie. I have to admit I make a pretty likeable protagonist. For now I will continue on my journey and try to connect more with God as I take it one day at a time.

Sincerely,

Me (Princess Leigh)