My BPD Journey

I first heard of borderline personality disorder when I was fourteen. My then therapist pulled out her bible (aka the DSM V) and started reading certain traits to me: fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, risky behavior especially in the areas of self-harm and sex, suicidal threats or behaviors, trouble controlling anger. She said these were all examples of a mental disorder called borderline personality disorder (BPD). She said she couldn’t diagnose me until I was eighteen but I was exhibiting certain behaviors and traits.

Flash forward five years later. I was nineteen, about to enter my sophomore year of college. I was enrolled in a hospital program and assigned a therapist who we will call Jerry. Jerry did a thorough intake and then asked “Has anyone ever diagnosed you with Bipolar Disorder?” Jerry was very convinced bipolar disorder was a possibility so he contacted my outside therapist and outside psychiatrist. Neither of them thought bipolar was likely but they did think I had borderline personality disorder. I immediately began my research and realized I did have a lot of the symptoms. It was a hard realization. Borderline personality  disorder is one of the most stigmatized disorders there is.  Therapists actually have policies where they don’t treat those who have borderline personality disorder.

I switched therapists and my new therapist was more open to the idea of bipolar disorder, especially after a manic episode that almost took my life. Meanwhile, I underwent significant treatment for BPD called DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). I truly believe BPD is treatable. I no longer exhibit most of the maladaptive behavior that led to it’s diagnosis.

I still struggle with other diagnosis (including Bipolar 1) but I’m so glad I am free from the clutches of BPD. Now I can have stable relationships without being possessive or jealous. I won’t lie: sometimes jealousy rears its ugly head when I’m not invited somewhere or when I feel like someone is getting more attention or when I worry someone is better at something than I am. But that is a small piece of me. I value myself and my relationships too much to let my BPD ruin it. I’m not ashamed that I once was diagnosed with the most dreaded of mental illnesses because I no longer see myself that way.