My Faith Journey

My faith journey, like many people's, has been long and complex, and I’m not even thirty yet. When I was a kid, I was raised Catholic and went to church every Sunday. I never questioned God because my life was easy. I came from a loving family, I excelled in school, and I was pretty. In other words, I was blessed. Then I turned eleven and life became more difficult for me. I had anxiety attacks that would make me cry in class. I had obsessions that tortured me. I even had thoughts of suicide at that age. I was diagnosed with several anxiety disorders including OCD. And it just got harder from there. 

When I was fourteen I seriously questioned my faith. It was a yo-yo, a back and forth but underneath I knew there was a God. I raged at him in my journal but I knew I needed him to get me out of the very dark place I was in. I went on retreats. I read memoirs of saints. I went to mass. I tried to be a better person. In ninth grade, I started at a Catholic school while attending two youth groups. I was able to tarry (talk) with God honestly about the trauma I had endured. I also worked at forgiving myself because I knew God would forgive me too. 

Then when I went away to college, I lost my faith once again. Even though it was a Jesuit University, not once did I attend mass when I was there. I was too busy partying and drinking and staying out all night (or not coming home). Then my bipolar disorder really started interfering in my life. I heard voices. I had delusions. I had manic spells that made me behave erratically. I began praying earnestly like my life depended on it- and I really think it did because when i tried to commit suicide my friends parents saved my life and got me to a hospital. After that I tentaively resumed my relationship with God. It’s hard to know that you don’t always get what you pray for and its terrifying that the worst things can happen to the nicest people. 

But God has been with me through some seriously difficult times. If my faith ever flickers, I immediately stop it from being extinguished. There is a God. I’m not going to convince the atheists who I know that God exists. I alone cannot change their mind. I will keep acting according to God’s word and I know someday I will be reunited with my loved ones and live truly free of pain.