My Poor Decisions Part One

I have screwed up bigtime in some parts of my life. Luckily that is usually when I was a teenager coinciding with a manic episode (I think I started my trail of manic behavior at fifteen). Not to make excuses but even though I was raised “right” I definitely didn’t always behave right. Here are some mistakes I made (not all of them by far. There are some things I have to keep to myself).

Poor Life Decision 1: Hooked  up with an older guy when I was sixteen.

Did you decide too quickly or take too long?I decided too quickly.

Did you consider the impact on the other people too much or too little?I considered it too little.

Did you realise the long-term consequences? The short term consequences?

At the time I didn’t realize the long term consequences. I did worry about the short term consequences (getting in trouble).

How do you think the important people in your life experienced you while you were in the process of making the decision?

I think they were concerned then suspicious (suspicious enough to read my journal)

What motivations rushed you into making this decision?I was a dumb, infatuated, horny kid. I was probably hypersexual and also easily influenced.

Why would you not make this decision again

It exposed me to an adult situation I was not prepared to deal with, broke my parent’s trust and made me realize I was only being used for sex.

What values do you think were driving you this choice at the same time you made it?

I wanted to feel desirable and beautiful.  Also I wanted to be loved.

With hindsight, how would you do  it differently?

I probably would have made out with —---- and then left him there. I wouldn’t have had the affair with him. I don’t ever want to be used like that plus I was only 15.

What can you learn from this experience?

I learn guys frequently say things they don’t mean to get sex. And if a guy goes young (like an 18-19 year old going for a younger girl, 15, he can go younger. Trust me).

Poor Life Decision 2: Making Derrick my whole world.

Did you decide too long or too quickly? I ‘m not sure how I’d answer this. I had known Derrick a year and a half before the infamous falling out but maybe started falling for him the minute I met him.

Did you consider the impact on other people too much or too little?I considered it too little. I should have broken up with my boyfriend from home (my “ball and chain” as Derrick would say) and tried things with Derrick before he got together with Amanda. We clearly cared about each other. 

Did you realize the long term consequences? The short term consequences? Years after we ceased talking I still have him haunting my dreams. Short term consequences was the night of the second fight when he told me he was taking out a school issued restraining order against me because I was “dangerous”. I remember trying to shoot hoops, but I was so incapacitated by crying so hard I almost fell down. I reverted back to old habits, smashed a flower pot and cut myself open on the ceramic shards. The people at my partial hospital program were not pleased,

How do you think the most important people in your life experienced  you while you were in the process of making the decision?It actually was awkward because at one point I was an item with his brother and I was very close with his family who let me live with them until the semester ended. They begged him to lift the directive no contact, to forgive me. His parents were furious especially since I saved his life the previous year when he was suicidal. 

What motivations pushed you into making this decision?Derrick and I also had great chemistry. He could be an asshole (and frequently was) but as my (evil) roommate pointed out “He treats you like you guys are married” Bear in mind we were dating other people.

Why would you not make this decision again?

There are not that many people that have that power over me (power does not necessarily equate love). In my past it might have only been one or two. The first was a master manipulator. I don’t think Derrick is a manipulator. I think he’s just selfish.

What values do you think were driving this choice at the time you made it?Again I think it was the desired to feel loved and beautiful. Derrick always made me feel  desired, no matter what he said, however blunt. It took me a year to find he had changed my name to “Jugs” in the group chat. 

With hindsight how would you have done it differently?

I didn’t want to throw away anything I had in high school but maybe I would haven’t pushed Derrick away insistently. There was only time we were alone and I wanted him to try to kiss me but I couldn’t do that to my boyfriend waiting for me at home. So maybe I did do the right thing. I will say I am with Justin now. And any path that brought me to him was the right thing for sure.

What can you from this experience?

Never make anyone your whole world. Justin is definitely close but I can’t put myself in that vulnerable position again. I would just cry for hours about Derrick. I was obsessed. Thats not healthy.

Poor Life Decision 3: To try and end it

Did you decide too quickly or too long?Too quickly. I grabbed my roommate's razor and sliced up my wrists while Derrick’s parents were waiting to take me to dinner for my birthday. 

Did you consider the impact on other people too much or too little?

Not at all. I heard the voices raging in my head and I knew I had to silence them. It seemed the easiest. I was so out of it it didn’t hurt at all. 

Did you realize the long term consequences? The short term consequences?

Both were the same. I would bleed out on the bathroom floor if I didn’t move. Instead I walked like an automaton to the bedroom, held out my bleeding wrists and asked “I think I need to go to the hospital please?”

How do you think the important people in your life experience you while you were  in the process of making the decision?I realized almost instantly the cuts were not deep enough so I started fumbling for my pill bottles to overdose. My friends mom instantly pinned me down while I screamed that I would hit her. Very very unlike me. I have never hit anyone besides my little brother. My friends dad called 911. My friends mom also held a towel to my wrists but some blood still got on my teddy bear and my shirt. When they carried out of the building on the stretcher I think the whole study body got a good look at me.

What motivations pushed you into making this decision?I had been severely manic. It had been going on for months. Thats why I was buying so many shoes, staying up so late, cheating on my ex boyfriend and behaving in a way that I am now so truly ashamed of. Finally, the lack of sleep caught up to me and when the voices told me to kill myself I no longer had the energy to refuse.

Why would you not make this decision again?

Because I have an amazing life with many people who love me. I had a friend commit suicide. I would never want to sentence anyone I know to a lifetime of that pain.

What values do you think were driving this choice at the time you made it?

I would say I wasn’t utilizing my values. I value life and will stand for it every time. Including my own.

With hindsight how would you do it differently?

I would have gotten help much much sooner. I was asking for help but I was using a quiet voice. My medication was being mismanaged by two different psychiatrists. My parents wanted to sue one of them for malpractice after the whole shit show went down. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want them to make me leave school or go back to the hospital. So I tried to be normal. I tried.

What can you learn from this experience?

Bipolar disorder 1 can manifest as hallucinations and delusions if it gets really bad. If it is handled properly,your medication is merely adjusted and you are okay. Next time I will get help at the very first sign.