My Top Ten Fears

I’m not entirely sure how reliable the top ten list I posted yesterday was. But it did make me think about what mine might be and how similar they would be. So I recorded them here so they could see for themselves.

1. Nuclear war

Instead of worrying about individual people I love dying my biggest worry is nuclear war because that could exterminate almost all the people I love in one fell swoop not to mention the radioactivity that would pick off the rest of us. Even if my area of the country was not targeted (and there’s a good chance it might be) humanity would be forever changed. As it was the first time nuclear weapons were used.

2. Civil unrest/ civil war

When protests turn deadly I worry it will turn into an uprising. I worry sometimes the differences in this country will become too much and it will tear in two. So much for united.

3. My own future regarding my mental health

After suffering so much mental anguish in my youth I worry more of it lies ahead, particularly as I get into advanced years. I already sometimes experience “sundowning” now and then which is a problem that commonly afflicts geriatrics. Once when I was hospitalized I had to be put on a geriatric unit temporarily and that was an eye opener. To see people quadruple my age still wrestle with the same demons I was battling only their parents weren’t around to comfort and visit them and they weren’t allowed to wear flipflops. I don’t want to be a prisoner to my mind ever again whether I’m thirty or 99. 

4. House fire

This has been a big fear of mine since I was  younger. When I was pretty young I watched the house behind me catch fire (I don’t remember why though). It was beyond help. We watched it burn to the ground. When i was in high school I got my first fire proof box/ safe and slowly filled it up with my journals. I currently have four boxes almost filled up and there simply isn’t room for anymore. I need to face my fear that my journals (and a million other things I hold dear) will burn to the ground. But when you have several anxiety disorders that isn’t exactly easy to do. 

5. Being lonely

This is more for when I’m elderly. I know I won’t have children and I have already decided I would like to live in a retirement community (if its okay with my partner) or someplace I can be around other people my age and make friends and do activities. I’m so friendly I want to make it difficult to be lonely. Plus I’m hoping my partner doesn’t go and die on me (especially if that person is Justin. I’d miss him too much).

6. Being unattractive

I guess everyone fears aging. At twenty nine,  I look more like a teenager. But I fear my first wrinkle, aging spots, gray hairs. My mom is aging very well (seriously, she looks good) so I find that encouraging. Genetics has got to be favorable once in a while right?

7. An active shooter/ terrorist attack

My entire life the news has  been peppered with stories about mass shootings at schools or public places and terrorist attacks like the Boston Marathon. The news now comes everyday and I can’t help but feel its only a matter of time before it touches my life intimately. It already came very close with my dad and 9/11. I remember being in the hospital and the coverage of the horrible shooting at the music festival for Las Vegas. Probably not healthy to let psych patients absorb that all morning.

8. The death of my parents

I know I will eventually need to face this. My parents can’t live longer than me. That’s unnatural. But I am somewhat stunted emotionally. I have been very shielded in some ways and I am very dependent on my parents. Plus I have very good relationships with them. My dad has always made me laugh. He can make me laugh in almost every situation. I love being his “Little bub” I love watching sports with him and playing basketball and eating oatmeal. He just makes everything pleasant. I’m also close to my mom. I usually keep her company while she cooks dinner and we listen to podcasts together. At night I read to her and she always gives me a backscratch before bed. Maybe this sounds weird considering I’m almost thirty but it helps me feel safe. 

9. Car accident

I’ve been in two car accidents- one with my ex, one with Justin. No one was hurt in either crash but they were both very scary especially the one with Justin where a car ran a stop sign and T-boned us. That was terrifying. I just remember screaming which probably just made things worse. I am convinced I will die in a car accident and distrust any driver who is not my dad. 

10. Being raped especially by someone from my past

I don’t want to be raped by anybody (obviously. Bit idiotic I had to say it) but I am haunted by people from my past and I would they will either track me down or retaliate against me by sexual violence. This is unlikely but so are most worries on my list.  I’d be extremely unlucky if all of them happened.