Nine Years

Here are five words to describe how I feel toward my substance abuse/ other addictions

• Acceptance. It was very hard for me to accept I could no longer drink. In fact I think I had a period of denial. Of course I could drink when I went back to school. Who would know? But I didn’t. Of course I could drink once I turned 21. It was my legal right? But I didn’t (though it was an epic party). Of course I could drink with my friends when we went out to  bars. Of course I could drink on New Year’s Eve. Of course I could drink on St. Patrick’s Day. But I didn’t. I didn’t. I didn’t. I didn’t and it is now nine years since I intentionally had a drink (there is the time I accidentally got drunk at a bar. I thought they were giving me nonalcoholic beer, it was alcoholic and because of my medication I got very sick).

• Approachable. I am a very approachable alcoholic. When I tell people I’m sober, I’m ready for all questions and responses.  Most people tell me “congratulations” which really makes me happy because they are acknowledging that what I am doing is not easy and can just suck sometimes. Some people come right out and tell me it must suck and as I just said, sometimes it does. But sober also feels better than sick feels. And some people ask “Why?” Depending on my relationship with that person and their tone, this sometimes feels intrusive. But my usual answer is either “meds” or “I used to have a problem”.

• Committed. Every once in a while I will feel tempted to drink. But those are just fleeting impulses and I have learned not to entertain them. I picture the guilt and shame that would follow. I picture letting down my boyfriend, my parents, my psychiatrist or living with a horrible secret. I actually have dreams I drank. I wake up soaked in sweat, relieved it is just a dream. The thing is I usually don’t feel compelled to drink at all  because I’ve (almost) forgotten that sweet, sweet high, that warm feeling in my stomach, that relaxed feeling that even spreads to my fingers. The feeling everyone loves me and I have no problems and that the world is full of adventures waiting to be had by me and my companions. No, if I try to, I can remember but the memory is very faint. And I like it that way.

• Practical. Realistically I don’t think I will ever medically be able to drink again. I’m just on too much medication and I need this medication to function properly. I’m not going to give up my shot at a normal life, a life I have built without alcohol. I can go to a bar and order  Shirley Temples. God invented those for this exact reason. I understand I have an addictive personality and it is dangerous for me to indulge in that poison. There were times in the morning after a bender where I was drenched in sweat, my body wracked with tremors where I thought “This is it. I might actually die. And the last thing I said to my mom is ‘Don’t worry, I’m just on my period’”

• Resilient. I had a weakness for alcohol but that does not make me weak.  I learned how to self-medicate long before I knew what was wrong with me. Now that I am treating the problems properly I am better able to handle them. I write, I read, I sing, I engage in an a mental or creative outlet. Sometimes I cry while my mother or Justin strokes my back. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit I have a problem. I’m just proud that I’m resilient.  I’m proud it’s been nine years.