OCD Questionnaire Part 1

It’s a hard time for me. My OCD seems to have taken steroids, practically overnight. I’m a prisoner of my own mind. It’s not as bad as when I was eleven but it’s been getting steadily worse. I’m not convinced I have the strength to fight it. I don’t want to be a slave to my obsessions and compulsions but when I resist the compulsions, when I sit with my thoughts hits like a horror movie. Its horrific, and scary and disgusting and I want nothing to do with it but it captures my mind. I feel so alone. Everyone says “I’m so OCD” when they wash their hands or because they like things neat. OCD is so much more than that. It’s ruining my life. I’ve been reading this great book by someone who actually gets what its like. It’s called Leaving the OCD Circus. In the book her therapist gives her the Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale (Y-BOCS). I found it online and took the test myself. There are ten questions, each with a range of 0 to 4. The most you can score on the test is 40 which means your OCD is really bad, unbearable and uncontrollable. I’ve had times in my life where I might have scored that high but when I took it today it was 23. Let’s go through each question shall we?

1. “How much of your time is occupied by obsessive thoughts?”

I selected 3 (very frequent occurrence). I worry I’m a pervert, a bad person, that my parents will stop loving me, that the house will burn down, that my boyfriend will leave me, that I will go crazy and attempt suicide, that I am hearing voices and must return to the hospital. I don’t ever stop worrying. I worry during sex. I worry when I’m eating. I worry when I’m pooping. I worry when I’m carrying on a conversation with someone. I’m a master of obsessing and doing something else at the same time.

1. “How much do your obsessive thoughts interfere with your work, school, social or other important functioning? Is there anything you don’t do because of them?”

I chose 3 (causes substantial impairment in social or occupational performances). I don’t work. When I worked at AC Moore, we worked an extra hour after closing to straighten up the store. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I might have a disease that I passed to other people I fell to the floor paralyzed and kept my hands over my ears trying to keep those horrible thoughts out. My co worker found me and helped me to the break room where I calmed down briefly. When I worked at the library I locked myself in the bathroom because I was scared I would suddenly start shouting obscenities in the peaceful atmosphere. From then on, my parents had to be with me at the end of my shifts. It was such a nice job but I couldn’t keep it. It was too stressful.

1. “How much stress do your obsessive thoughts cause you?

3 (Very disturbing). My thoughts are out to destroy me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m getting feedback from a broken speaker. 

1. “How much of an effort do you make to resist the obsessive thoughts? How often do you try to disregard or turn you situation away from these thoughts as they enter your mind?

I put down a 1 for this (try to resist most of the time). I know there is danger in giving into your OCD. I always put up a fight unless I am sick or extra tired and I feel like I can’t do battle. 

1. “How much control do you have over your obsessive thoughts? How successful are you in stopping or diverting your obsessive thinking?”

Another 3 (rarely successful in stopping or dismissing obsessions, can only divert attention with difficulty). My OCD is like a train roaring down the tracks. I see no way to stop it and in some cases I am tied to the railroad right in front of it. I can’t control my obsessive thoughts at all. They play over and over again until I feel like screaming or smashing plates (which I’ve done) or begging God to take it all away. But it is my cross to bear. And he never does.