Seasonal Patterns

Living with mental illness you start to sense patterns in your emotions, particularly seasonal ones. For example I know spring is especially problematic for my bipolar disorder. My psychiatrist says the change in light could have something to do with it. I’m still getting used to the patterns in my bipolar disorder. For example, apparently bipolar disorder doesn’t usually strike during the summer. But last summer my mania waxed and waned, at one point getting so bad I had to be hospitalized. Im becoming more aware of the signs and I have gotten better at heading it off before it gets too bad. 

My OCD, on the other hand, I know very well. I was diagnosed the summer I was eleven. Key word being the summer. My OCD can have random flareups due to outside stress but I’ve pinpointed two times it gets worse: Christmas season and summer. Which freakin sucks because these are supposed to be happy times meant for cookies, presents, vacations and pool parties. And alot of times I can’t enjoy them. 

Last night it got bad. The best way I can describe OCD is that there is an elephant sitting on my chest or a stampede of racehorses charging in my direction. I feel like I have to do something- check with my parents, doublecheck my journals, triplecheck with Justin- for reassurance. Or else something bad will happen. Like my parents will stop loving me. Like I’m going to hell. It’s blind terror. So I went to bed before I was even really tired in an attempt to just escape from it. I don’t like using sleep to escape from my problems. Here are some other ways I use to relax when the OCD rears its head:

• Take a bath (unfortunately our bathtubs broken but Justin’s bathtub is pretty big)

• Pet my cat (Scout has a niece silky coat)

• Hold my stuffed animals (especially Winnie the Pooh)

• Shoot hoops (obviously not during a heat wave)

• Listen to  music

• Write poetry

• Have Mom or Justin scratch my back

• Listen to Epic Rap Battles of History

Anyway I will use as many tools as I can to get through this summer. Maybe not even just get through. Maybe I’ll actually enjoy it.