Separation Anxiety

I wish I was more comfortable being alone. If I am forced to be truly alone (parents out of the house, boyfriends busy), I mask the anxiety with music. But even that doesn’t work sometimes. Growing up, I was always happy to be alone. I would write for hours in my room, whether working on a manuscript or journaling or working on a surprise present. Now I am never in my room unless I am sleeping (which is a shame because it is a really nice room. I love the way the sun slants in in the morning. My cat always chooses my bed to repose on during the day).

 This “separation anxiety” is kind of embarrassing. When I worked at the library, my parents would eventually have to come with me and read in the reference section while I worked. I don’t know where my fear comes, only that I’m worried something bad will happen. Sometimes if its a particularly difficult time I will sleep with my mom. I try very hard not to be codependent on my boyfriend. It’s easy to give him space because he lives about an hour away.

My biggest concern is that once my parents “go” (aka die) I will have a hard time taking care of myself. I haven’t really done a  bang up job so far. I don’t want to burden my boyfriend with looking after me. I have to be more independent. I have to take better care of myself. It just seems so much to handle sometimes. I honestly don’t know how other people do it. They seem to have it all together and I still get panic attacks from going to the gym. I don’t know who reads my blog (or if anybody does) but please comment. Sometimes its hard to keep this blog going because I don’t think anyone is listening. Maybe they’re not. But I would still keep writing anyway.