Shades of Emotion: Happy

Today is a good day. It is a lovely day in April, it is Friday and Justin’s birthday is tomorrow. And today we are focusing on happiness. The other day I went to the doctor because I need a physical for work. My doctor (not my psychiatrist or my gynecologist who I see way more) was a little surprised saying “You seem so happy” I never realized there was a possibility I came across as unhappy (although if a doctor is only seeing me when I am sick, odds are I won’t be happy). I’m happy about my new job. I’m happy Cape Cod is coming up. I’m happy I’m finally part of a stable DND campaign. I’m happy to be a poetry organizer. And a million other things. 

Peaceful: 20% My OCD disturbs my peace alot. I worry about insignificant stuff (like the location of a T-shirt) to really intense stuff (like an abusive ex boyfriend finding me and hurting me). “Peace of mind” is something I have never known even since I was a kid. The proof is in my second grade journal. 

Optimistic: 80% I try to be optimistic especially in bleak situations like  when I had to leave public school to be homeschooled which I found to be kind of lonely until I sought out youth groups or library groups. Or when I was on medical leave and my therapist told me to use Meetup and that’s how I became part of Rockland Poets. Optimism comes in handy when you are in the psych ward. Looking forward towards groups and meals really helps. When in doubt, look on the bright side

Proud: 60% I know pride goeth before the fall and it is also one of the seven deadly sins but I’m proud of myself and what I have accomplished. In elementary school I established myself as a writer. My teacher would read my compositions aloud to the class which made me the target of bullying but I knew they were just jealous and could barely write so I didn’t particularly care. My editorial actually persuaded our principal to change school policy (Instead of sitting according to class at lunch time we were now allowed to sit with our friends).  At graduation my poem was read aloud. It only got better from there. 

Joyful: 90% I’m aware I could have a manic episode at any moment. Or a depressive one. Or my OCD could flare up. So much could happen to try to take my joy away. But it’s a beautiful spring. I have so much to be grateful for. It will probably be my last spring with my cat, Scout.  But I am cherishing every moment with him, especially feeding him chicken at dinner and basking in the sun together. He has a little red towel he loves to sleep on. I have Justin who I love so much. I love seeing Broadway shows with him, going to restaurants, letting him cook for me, working door together at open mics, riding shotgun with this man and knowing  I’d go anywhere with him. I have a library card and it’s been bailing me out of boredom and into creativity since I was a kid. There is so much to be joyful for. I believe in God and I believe he gave me this joy.