Shades of Emotions: Fear

Shadow Growth Journal

Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. I’m no stranger to fear. In elementary school I was paralyzed by fear that one of my teachers was sexually interested in me. I didn’t quite know what sex was so in my journal I wrote “My teacher wants to marry me” I skimmed over the rational part that stated he was already married with kids of his own. As you know, that does not stop child molesters but this man never touched me or insinuated sexual activity in any way and by fourth grade I was laughing at my own ridiculousness. I wish I could keep laughing but not all my fears were so humorous.

Subemotions of fear: Scared, Anxious, Rejected, Insecure

Scared: 20%

I underwent alot of trauma between the ages of fourteen and fifteen. Some of it was dumb decision making on my part like worrying a guy was going to leak a risque picture of me unless I sent him more. My parents had to bail me out on that one. Other fears I was too ashamed to tell them and through the grace of God I managed to get out. Several years ago I underwent trauma therapy. I realized I had been affected alot by things I previously swept under the rug like being sexually assaulted in a place I had felt safe surrounded by people I had trusted. I started crying in my therapist’s office, angry at myself for still not being over something that had happened so long ago. I was able to calm  myself with the yoga (the second part of the trauma therapy).

Anxious: 80%

I was most anxious during middle school. The first year I attended middle school I put tons of pressure on myself to get everything perfect. Homework took hours because I couldn’t have a wrong answer and I didn’t understand how my friends had time for anything else. When I didn’t get a lead in the school play but landed a part in the chorus, i cried because I wasn’t good enough. I had to keep checking things which was why I was always the last one to hand in a test when I was the first one finished. That summer I got much worse. I was crying all the time and I was afraid but of what I wasn’t sure. There were so many bad things that could happen. My parents took me to a child psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD and GAD. 

Rejected: 10%

Nowadays I hardly ever get rejected. Just kidding. There are a million things I’m not invited to or conversations I’m excluded from. The difference is I don’t really care much. I have so many people in my life who want right where I am. My weekends are always busy. But even if they weren’t I have learned that busyness does not equal popularity and popularity is not always to be envied. True friends, even  if there aren’t many, are worth so much more.

Insecure: 20%

I am insecure about my doughy stomach, my chipmunk cheeks, the way I guzzle food, my tremors, my voice (which is very fickle. Sometimes it sounds great, sometimes it sucks) and saying stupid shit. Sometimes I make jokes that people don’t understand and I think they think I’m an idiot. The older I get the less insecure I am. I wasn’t insecure at Scranton either. It was a very accepting campus. Although some people might have judged me for those giant hickies I got.

Fear doesn’t dictate my life by any means. I am sparring in a battle against my anxiety disorders and proud to announce I am winning. It won’t always be as easy as this but I am determined not to let fear make me his prisoner.