Shadow Work Wednesday: A Bed of Secrets

    Shadow Growth Journal 

What emotions do I try to avoid? Why am I afraid to feel them? What do I think will happen by allowing myself to feel these emotions?

I try to avoid fear, shame and guilt. I find them terrifying. Fear takes me back to 15. That man with the knife asking me why I’m crying. Shame and guilt will always haunt me from the things I did when I didn’t know better. I am afraid that if I feel these emotions I will become overwhelmed and have a panic attack. I don’t ever want to be in that dark place again and those three emotions take me there.

How do I show up for others but fall short for myself?

I let other people make mistakes but I hold myself to a higher standard. I also think it’s important for other writers/creators to take breaks (especially to prevent burnout) but I hardly ever allow myself breaks. I know its cliche (everyone fancies themselves a perfectionist) but I’m pretty sure I am one (I’ve been that way since fifth grade). I am the cheerleader for all my friends but I come down harsher on myself when I don’t make it to the second round of the slam or mess up while I’m hosting.

What toxic traits keep recurring in my relationships with family, friends or my significant other?

I always want to be the most important person in everyone’s life. This is probably why I draw so much attention to myself, because I don’t want people to forget about me. I get resentful when someone might like someone over me. Like when my cousin became so enchanted with my other cousins and apparently texts them all the time which does not happen between us.

What unresolved traumas or painful memories continue to influence my thoughts, feelings and actions?

My first suicide attempt and my breakup with one of my more recent boyfriends both earned me a diagnosis of PTSD. The boyfriend was abusive- sexually and emotionally-, the breakup was a mess. I slit my wrists because I couldn’t make him happy. In the ER after my first suicide attempt the nurses ignored me and left me tormented by voices for hours.

In what ways do I project my own unresolved issues and anger onto others?

I get angry at people who think they have it difficult when they have no mental illness, no trauma, a stable family, a core group of friends and great health. I know I shouldn’t get mad (I have some of those things) but hearing people complain about things when they have things I have never known and would give anything for. I consider myself a happy person. But some things I do want so badly.

What fears and  insecurities are lurking beneath the surface of my conscious awareness?

Physically: my breast size and my stomach which looks like someone stapled three uncooked pizza doughs hanging down swinging,a beer gut but so much more. I’m disgusting. It’s disgusting. I feel disgusting. But obviously I’m conscious of this. Another insecurity I have is if I’ll ever make it as a writer. Or will all my writing fall into obscurity without anybody reading it. 

Are there parts of myself that I’m ashamed or embarrassed about? Why?

I’m ashamed of  my body (see previous answer). I also feel kind of embarrassed I had to leave college. I feel like people think it means I know less than they do. Often I just leave out the fact that I dropped out. I don’t lie I just say “I went to the University of Scranton and loved it” not “Oh and then I attempted suicide in my dorm room and never returned”

In what ways do I self-sabotage or undermine my own progress or happiness?

I eat. I love food. In college I had a great body. I was skinny with big breasts and even an ass with long legs. But when I was prescribed meds they made me hungry. No, they made me starving. I eat even when I’m not hungry now because I don’t know the difference between being hungry or being bored/ emotional. I get discouraged. I eat more.

What aspects of myself do I judge and criticize the most?

I judge my body the most and I also judge my boobs for being too small (they are DD to give you an idea. And I am five foot 2) I judge myself for my insecurities, worrying that my friends find me annoying or that my poetry sucks (I am a very good prose writer, My poetry needs more work. Even so I’m critical of all my writing).

What do I constantly lie to myself about?  Why do I do that?

I lie to myself about how big a food problem I have. I also lie to myself about the amount of caffeine I consume. I used to have a Monster problem which I’m keeping a close eye on. I lie about how healthy the food I eat is. I know I need to make changes but I am not sure I am able. Quitting alcohol was much more than limiting caffeine. Is that because I went cold turkey on alcohol but only limited caffeine? This could change everything.